Influential Gifts 

Our public servants work so tirelessly on our behalf that it is only fitting to show them our appreciation (Utahns are justly renowned for showing appreciation) during the holiday season. Though they are always happy to receive gifts of any sort, we thought it would be useful to offer gift suggestions for you to add to your holiday shopping lists.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz
Rep. Chaffetz has been hinting to friends what he’d like to get for Christmas, but you can beat them to the punch by giving him a year’s supply of Hide-Away Pocketed Adjustable Panty Gaffs so he can tuck his naughty bits away from the prying eyes of airport security personnel when he has to go through the total body scanner. Available in black or nude/beige, or splurge on the Nude Floral Gaff, at just $27.95 from Suddenly Fem.

Rep. Jim Matheson
Our Democratic representative will appreciate the recently updated edition of Roget’s New World Thesaurus, where he will be able to find synonyms for “it’s complicated”—his inevitable explanation to constituents when they ask him why he has become a conservative Republican.

Sen. Orrin Hatch
The senior senator and songwriter no doubt thought he was giving the gals a great big treat when he enlisted our own David Archuleta as the keynote speaker at the recent Women’s Conference. Already in touch with his inner Archuleta, Senator Hatch needs help in getting in touch with his feminine side. He would enjoy an iPod loaded with such seminal hits as Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman,” Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” and Aretha Franklin’s “You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman).”

Sen. Bob Bennett
Long Tall Bob was nice enough to go out of his way to earmark some $5 million to a friend who makes video scrapbooks for Utah soldiers to memorialize their tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wouldn’t it be nice to give the tallest bald senator, or the baldest tall senator, in U.S. history his own video scrapbook of his diligently dull career? The high point of his tenure was his courageous battle against the dreaded Mormon cricket infestation of 2004. In addition to a $7.6 million appropriation, the still vigorous lawmaker personally stomped several thousand crickets to death with his size-14 wingtips.

Rep. Rob Bishop
No one on Capitol Hill knows who he is, but everyone recognizes his head of hair, which is closing fast behind John Kerry’s magnificent 'do. Help Representative Bishop’s big hair move into first place by getting him an economy-size jar of hair gel.

State Rep. Mike Noel
The Republican global-warming debunker from Kanab is furious that the news media see him as “some kind of country bumpkin who just fell off the turnip truck.” He’s right, he has not just fallen off the turnip truck, but has in fact fallen off many times in the past (his own turnips are growing like crazy because of the beneficial effect of carbon dioxide), and needs a new pair of jeans to replace those with several patches where he has landed on his ass.

Saratoga Springs Mayor-elect Mia Love
The newly elected mayor of Saratoga Springs is the first African-American woman to gain such an office in Utah. A perfect Christmas (or Kwanzaa) gift would be an assortment of business cards printed with various messages that she could hand out to clueless well-wishers: No, I am not Gladys Knight. Or, No, I don’t know Oprah. Or, I know we look alike, but I’m not related to Jill Remington Love.

Salt Lake City Councilwoman Jill Remington-Love
Ms. Remington Love wanted Lisa Ramsey Adams to defeat Søren Simonson in the recent City Council race because she “wanted another woman on the council.” Until that happens, she can make do with a life-size inflatable polyurethane party doll from Blue Boutique that is guaranteed to second her motions. Available in business-like brunette, dishwater blonde, or racy redhead.

Salt Lake City Councilman J.T. Martin
An acolyte of Ms. Remington Love on the City Council, Mr. Martin is most famous for voicing his opposition to selling “rubber penises” at the Blue Boutique. Until Ms. Remington Love gets her wish of having another woman on the council, Mr. Martin has agreed to attend council meetings in a simple but fashionable sheath, pantyhose, sensible pumps and blonde wig. To facilitate your gift buying, Councilman Martin’s measurements are on file at the Blue Boutique.

Salt Lake City Councilman Soren Simonson
Mr. Simonson frequently wears his bicycle helmet in the City Council chamber, but he will need more protection with Remington Love, Martin and Christensen ganging up on him (he was once nearly crushed to death when Councilman Christensen inadvertently sat in his council chair.) The icy stares of the female surrogate/party doll will be unnerving enough, but incoming rubber penises could cause serious bodily harm. The perfect holiday gift for Mr. Simonson is a flak jacket from your local Army/Navy surplus store.