Guv’s Big “D” 

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Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt, the man who said he knew nothing about the now-forgotten Olympic scandal because he “didn’t connect the dots,” has a new plan to defend the Beehive State against terrorists. The governor apparently is attempting to connect the dots where public relations are concerned.

In a special televised speech, the governor recently outlined his new plan: the Division of Comprehensive Emergency Management will get a catchy new name; law enforcement has been asked to “enhance” protection; crop-dusting aircraft have been inventoried; no-fly zones will be enlarged during the Opening and Closing Ceremonies of the 2002 Winter Games; and the governor’s staff is promoting better communication between local, state and federal law enforcement.

Well, if that doesn’t keep terrorists away, what will? Perhaps the governor could use a dot-connecting specialist.

Speaking of things Olympic and dumb, a debate continues to rage as to whether we ought to have giant lighted Olympic rings on the hillside east of Salt Lake City during the February Games. Some residents fear that having the lighted rings on the hillside for 17 days sends the wrong message. Perhaps we should just put dollar signs up there. Come on guys, it’s only for 17 days. After the scandal, it can’t possibly send the wrong message, can it?

Still in the same category—Olympic and dumb—Mitt Romney publicly unveiled a new cheer on the Capitol steps before a crowd recently. (And as Dave Barry would say, we are not making this up!) It goes like this: Romney: Salty, salty, salty; Crowd: USA!; Romney: Salty, salty, salty; Crowd: USA!; Romney: Salty, salty, salty; Crowd: USA!

Here at SmartBomb, we just don’t get it. The people over at SLOC sometimes refer to City Weekly as the anti-Olympic paper. We’re not against the Olympics, just dumbness and stupidity and the occasional lying about bribery and cover-ups. If that makes us anti-Olympic, well, we’ll just have to live with it.

Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch is back in the news. This time, it’s not for divulging CIA intelligence information on Osama bin Laden. Nope, it’s much more frightening. He’s penned another ditty that is being released as a CD single. Orrin has dedicated his new song to the victims of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. Fortunately, we have not seen the lyrics.

Previously, producers of the movie Rat Race used a Hatch song called “America Rocks” in the film’s soundtrack. It’s nice that he’s got something to do with all that spare time on his hands.

• And finally, from our “Let’s Change the Subject” file: The Associated Press is reporting that police in Albuquerque, N.M., took a doughnut run in the police department’s new hi-tech chopper. According to witnesses, the police helicopter touched down in a field near a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. A cop jumped from the chopper and later charged out of the shop, a box of doughnuts securely in hand. The helicopter whisked the cops and the doughnuts away.

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