Fulton Files 

Fulton’s Quarter Column of Super-Sexed Plaza Ultra-Violence

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eternal.

Reading letters to the editor has never been so much fun.


This weekly paper has had its share of hum-dingers, but nothing compared to the fury unleashed on the city’s dailies. The Salt Lake Tribune has proudly run the more outlandish missives. Following the 10th Circuit Court of Appeal’s decision, you’d think unbridled anarchy has been loosed upon the Main Street Plaza, or that hordes of flesh-eating zombies dove into the plaza fountain for 24-hour bouts of skinny-dipping and anal sex.


There’s Deloy F. Johnson of Logan, who accuses the federal court and American Civil Liberties Union of unleashing a full-scale pogrom of “terrorism and persecution” against members of the LDS Church. Uh-huh. Then there’s Cheryl Mecham of Salt Lake City, who already knows her Christmas is spoiled in advance because Temple Square’s ambiance will be marred by the “smoking, swearing, drinking” taking place on the plaza. Uh-huh-huh-huh! Not so. Salt Lake City’s vast army of drinkers prefer the dark, cavernous confines of a private club, where they can hide their collective shame.


n Salt Lakers got the eventual low-down on the body of a woman found burning off the side of I-80, just near Salt Air. That grisly find was allegedly traced back to a lover’s quarrel. How many learned that, on the same early December day, a $3.9 million Houston home previously owned by Enron Corp.’s old chief financial officer saw fire as well? The blaze resulted in only minor damage, unlike the kind of gouges sustained by the bankrupt company’s employee retirement accounts. Investigators suspect arson.


n Yet more creepy news out of the Archdiocese of Boston. Newly released files pulled back layers of sleazy allegations, this time involving priests with a penchant for cocaine and liaisons with nuns-to-be. Investigators suspect dirty old men.


n Bloomington, Ind., is all agog since police completed an investigation into how it was that a film crew managed to enlist 20 Indiana University students to star in a pornographic movie. The film, Shane’s World No. 32: Campus Invasion, was shot on campus, but university officials have yet to say whether students broke rules in a manner deserving of disciplinary action. Critics have accused the California company taping the film of exploiting gullible university students, but it’s well known that university students are quite capable of exploiting themselves. Investigators suspect lots of horny young men.


n Returning to the realm of religion, Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson plays his “Islam-is-evil” rant once again, this time telling us that Muslims are hell-bent on killing every last Jew. Robertson quotes from one of the Quran’s 47 “fighting verses” to prove his exaggerated point. What Robertson won’t tell you is that the Quran is composed of 6,236 total verses, which means that his preferred citations make up less than one percent of Islam’s holy book. And Robertson conveniently ignores the violence in his own holy book, the Bible. Psalms 137:9 states that happiness is smashing the heads of little children against rocks. Jesus talked of bringing “not peace, but a sword,” and we won’t even mention the book of Judges.


n Finally, more evidence that Karl Rove, one-time Salt Lake City high school student and right-hand-man to President Bush, knows how to throw his considerable weight around. After former Bush administration official and University of Pennsylvania professor John DiIulio called Rove part of the White House’s band of “Mayberry Machiavellis” in the January issue of Esquire, an apology followed fast. DiIulio was so, so sorry. He was, of course, apologizing for the wrong reason. Everyone knows Rove looks more like Otis.

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