Prophet, seer, and revelator Thomas
Monson used all of his considerable powers
of persuasion to bring together the parties
in the now-notorious “Church Plaza
kiss” episode. Termed the “root-beer summit,”
the meeting took place last Thursday
in the leafy inner courtyard of the Lion
House, according to church spokesman
Melchezedik “Dick” Pratt.
Initially, there were serious doubts as
to whether the summit would take place.
Highly placed church insiders say some
of the General Authorities expressed adamant
opposition to such a summit.
“It’s a slippery slope,” opined one apostle
known for his iron-rod views and righteous
demeanor. “First, you talk to these self-described
‘gay’ people, and the next thing
you know, we’re playing show tunes at sacrament
meeting.” In the end, however, the more
moderate Liahona apostles prevailed—but
only after agreeing to have the grounds of the
Lion House sprayed with a powerful antiseptic
after the visit of the gay participants.
“We love those boys,” said an apostle,
“but that doesn’t mean we are obliged to
expose ourselves to any dangerous homosexual
hormones.”
Details are sketchy as to everything that
transpired at the root-beer summit, but City
Weekly has been able to piece together a
general account of the meeting. After everyone
was comfortably seated (Mr. Jones and
Mr. Aune were assigned chairs sufficiently
at a distance to preclude hand-holding or
footsy finagling), trays of root beer and
vanilla ice cream were brought in by modestly
dressed young women. Participants
had their choice of A&W, Hires, or Shasta
root beer, and Meadow Gold, Dreyer’s or
Western Family vanilla ice cream.
As the ice cream melted in the afternoon heat, President Monson gave a stirring opening prayer. At least one of the beefy security guards who had wrestled the slight Mr. Jones to the ground on the night in question seemed to grow impatient with President Monson’s giving thanks for the rich and creamy ice cream and the foamy root beer; the security guard was observed peeking at the ice cream (thought to be the Meadow Gold brand) growing milky at the margins of the already opened carton.
After his prayer, President Monson, who
is justly renowned for his storytelling abilities,
told a humorous anecdote about an earlier
root-beer summit convened by Brigham
Young in July of 1857. It seems a pair of
traveling acrobats from San Francisco got in
trouble for practicing the devilishly difficult
four-legged somersault in an alley
behind the Beehive House. Brigham
Young’s personal bodyguard and swimming
companion, Orrin Porter Rockwell,
caught a glimpse of the intertwined
acrobats and jumped to the conclusion
that they were indulging in a notorious
French practice that he had heard tell
of from a returned missionary. Unlike
the latter-day security guards, Brother
Orrin did not merely wrestle the acrobats
to the ground; he gave the hapless
duo a thumping to within an inch of
their lives.
Although videotapes of the incident have
disappeared, Brother Brigham, knowing of
Orrin’s propensity to fly off the handle,
gave the acrobats the benefit of the doubt
and, instead of booting them back to San
Francisco, offered them a joint appointment
as entertainers-in-residence, noting
at the time that he was worn out trying to
keep his numerous wives amused.
President Monson then invited the participants
either to share a humorous anecdote
of their own or to bear their testimonies.
Reports are contradictory as to who spoke
and what exactly was said, but everyone
agrees that one of the burly security guards
just wanted to say that he couldn’t understand
why the homosexual guys wanted to
engage in a public display of affection.
“I’ve been with my wife for 19 years now ever since I came back from by mission to t h e Central States,” he said, profusely sweating and scooping a heap of ice cream into a glass half-filled with Hires root beer, “but I’ve never engaged in any public display of affection. In fact, I haven’t kissed her for years, even in private, and we’ve never been happier.”
As the root-beer summit drew to a close,
President Monson suggested that everyone
engage in a group hug, but after the looks
of horror all around, he gave the benediction
and dismissed the parties with the
standard Mormon shoulder massage.
We have been unable to verify the report
that one of the security guards has been
text-messaging one or both of the plaza
kissers, expressing the strange feeling of
excitement he experienced when he wrestled
them to the ground.