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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
“Dear Dr. Brezsny: I love my weekly dose of astrological wit, but I’ve got to say that if I had all the fun and revelry you predict, I wouldn’t be a morose meandering malcontent, as I am now. And if I had even half of the flirting and romance that your prophecies promise, I certainly wouldn’t be home on Saturday nights playing World of Warcraft. I must conclude that you’re living in a different dimension than I am. So how do I get over there to where you are? —Up-in-the-Air Libra.” Dear Up-in-the-Air: Funny you should mention this. Due to a rare crack in the space-time continuum, there’s currently a wormhole between my dimension and the dimension where up-in-the-air Libras live. Come on over! You’ll know you’re near the portal when you feel an urge to exuberantly leap up off your feet for no reason.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Please join me in a boycott of horoscope columns and astrology books that insinuate all Scorpios are cruel, perverted, power-mad jealousy freaks. Let’s refuse to read those propagandists until they cease and desist from brainwashing the masses into directing bigotry toward your tribe. It’s true that there are some less-evolved Scorpios who speed up their cars to run over small animals and treat romance as a game in which there can be only one winner. But do we demonize all scientists simply because a few mad physicists created weapons of mass destruction? Of course not. I hereby proclaim June to be Scorpio Pride Month—a time to celebrate your winning qualities, especially your unparalleled skill at helping to activate the dormant potentials of people you care about. Promise me you’ll do that even more intensely than usual.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“Take time to stop and smell the flowers,” says an old homily. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss scientist who discovered LSD and lived to age 102, had a different approach. “Take the time to stop and be the flowers,” he said. That’s my advice to you, Sagittarius. Don’t just set aside a few stolen moments to sniff the snapdragons, taste the rain, chase the wind, watch the hummingbirds, and listen to a friend. Use your imagination to actually be the snapdragons and rain and wind and hummingbirds and friend. It’s time to not just behold the Other, but to become the Other.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What Martin Luther King Jr. said about epic struggles in the political arena is also apt for you in your private life, especially now: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” I recommend that you translate his advice into the intimate details of your relationships. If you really do that with the irresistible force of your burning conviction, you will prove another one of King’s excellent thoughts: “Unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Scientists used to believe that a butterfly has no recollection of its previous life as a caterpillar. The pupa breaks down into primal goo during its metamorphosis, they said, erasing all trace of its caterpillar brain. But new research suggests that there is in fact continuity. At least some of what the caterpillar learned remains available to the butterfly. As you carry out your own personal mutation in the coming months, Aquarius, I believe you will experience a similar process, thus ensuring that the New You has most of the wisdom that the Old You possessed.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s Blame All Your Problems on God Week. You have license to shun responsibility for the pain you feel and the messes you’ve made, and instead ascribe it all to the Divine Mischief Maker. The secret of achieving success in this enterprise is to act as if your dilemmas really do have nothing to do with anything you’ve done, but have been entirely caused by God’s mistakes, his intentional cruelty, or his wicked sense of humor. By the way, Accept Total Responsibility for Your Problems Week is coming up next, and to observe that holiday correctly you will have to be thoroughly sincere about this week’s. P.S. It’s crucial that you really do blame everything on God, and not on actual human beings. P.P.S. If you’re an atheist, it’s Blame All Your Problems on Your Parents Week.
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.