Flip-flop Fever 

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Good to read that John Saltas’ doctor was able to quickly diagnose and treat his Tribunitis Stuffasockis [“Ouch! Ouch!” May 19, City Weekly]. Access to proper health care is a wonderful thing. But then again, he’s a tough old bird, so it’s doubtful a little bout with TS would keep him down for long.

Of course, Jon Huntsman Jr. is a different story altogether. I worry about him. Perhaps Saltas should contact Huntsman and refer him to Saltas’ doctor for a checkup.

I mention this because Huntsman might be showing all the worrisome early signs of Romneyitis Flipatosis. It’s an affliction found in the not-so-rare bird Americanus Politico Hackus, better known as the political hack. The hack is easily recognized by its slick feathers and I-will-say-whatever-I-think-you-want-to-hear-or-disavow-my-previous-stance-in-order-to-get-your-vote warble.

Now, I could be off base about Huntsman and the RF virus, but hear me out. First, when recently queried about his religion, Huntsman seemed uncertain as how to answer, saying, “That is tough to define.” But now, according to a Salt Lake Tribune article—he is assuredly saying he is “Mormon” (sorry about mentioning the T-word, I hope it won’t cause any additional inflammation of your Stuffasockis troubles).

Secondly, Huntsman spoke like a moderate in his South Carolina speech. Then his campaign issued a release stating unequivocally that he is not a moderate but a conservative. And then this health-care bit in Utah where Huntsman was for it, but now is against it.

And lastly, there is his quitting the ambassadorship to China—although, to be fair, that is more of a Palin-esque Politico Hackus characteristic, another bird and another virus altogether, but I digress.

So, back to this Romneyitis Flipatosis. There are few treatments; the most successful is a return to straightforward honesty. Unfortunately, at this stage, it doesn’t appear that Huntsman is aware of needing treatment due to the deceptively reassuring motion of the flip-flop—which ultimately leads to motion addiction. Sadly, that is another of the destructive symptoms of Romneyitis Flipatosis.

Someone needs to alert Huntsman that, no matter how comforting it seems, RF can be politically fatal unless treated early and treated often.

In closing, if you are going to get in a line to donate to Huntsman’s campaign, it might be in order to first imbibe a shot or two from a bottle of high-end bourbon. It won’t do anything to cure Huntsman’s Romneyitis Flipatosis, but it will certainly raise your spirits.

Ross McCollin
Salt Lake City

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