Eight warning levels to be aware of when shopping for fireworks:
8. Green: Will probably burn thousands of acres and homes, but the state made it legal, anyway—have fun, ‘Mericans!
7. Blue: Safe to shoot at with rifle, handgun or rocket launcher of your choice, preferably in a dry, open field.
6. Purple: Ignite every night from July 3 to July 25, no matter how much your unpatriotic neighbors bitch about it.
5. Orange: Purchase only from reputable retail outlets, such as temporary parking-lot shacks and Craigslist.
4. Red: Explodes in time with Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup.”
3. Burnt Sienna: Light only in cargo area of an ugly-ass Toyota minivan.
2. Brown: Proper safety clothing required: Cutoff jeans, flip-flops and “Adios Obama!” trucker cap.
1. Black: Hey, the Rapture’s coming soon anyway, right?
More by Bill Frost
-
True TV April 2024: Hidden gems on Tubi
Seven series worth a stream on the free-but-doesn't-suck service
- Apr 3, 2024
-
Flashback 2020: Lockdown TV
The shows we were all watching when we were stuck at home.
- Mar 6, 2024
-
Fox News is bad, but Utah's syndicated talk radio is even worse.
Radio Blah Blah
- Mar 6, 2024
- More »
Latest in The Ocho
