Feng Shui, Dude 

Feng Shui, Dude

A feng shui (pronounced fung schway) consultant came through the City Weekly offices recently to tune up our chi. Some City Weekly staffers, apparently, were feeling there was a little too much sha in the place.

Heck, here in the SmartBomb cubbyhole, we could have told them there was all kinds of sha emanating from the place. It’s a newspaper, for crying out loud. On the other hand, it is allergy season.

• For those who don’t read Catalyst, feng shui is an ancient Chinese philosophy of nature designed so that we might live in harmony with our environment. According to the Skeptics Dictionary, “If we surround ourselves with beauty, gentleness, kindness, music and the sweetness of life, we ennoble ourselves, as well as the environment.”

Translation: keep the toilet seat down, don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink, use a minimum of florescent light, keep the volume low on the darn rap noise, and don’t drink beer with a funnel.

• The sha here at SmartBomb is apparently so deep that the feng shui consultant couldn’t even step inside. She left a wind chime at the door and ran for her chi. Well, as famed Gashouse Gang pitcher Dizzy Dean once said: “If you can really do it, it ain’t braggin’.”

• The feng shui consultant would have a time of it down in Springville. Residents there voted overwhelmingly to keep the Red Devil as Springville High’s mascot. Earlier, a group of stiff-shirted moralists insisted that the Red Devil (Satan) was drowning Utah County in sha. The silent majority, however, felt the Red Devil brought with it a wonderful feeling of chi.

Here at SmartBomb, we had earlier noted that Springville was the liberal bastion of Utah County, what with selling beer on Sunday and allowing nude modeling at the Springville Art Center—bringing with it jiggling lobes of chi.

• Salt Lake City resident Josh Blumenthal used feng shui to enhance the optimal flow of good energy on the parking strip of his Roberta Street house by xeriscaping to save water. Unfortunately, city zoning enforcement officers don’t recognize feng shui or the potential sha of watering Kentucky bluegrass in a desert. If Blumenthal doesn’t reduce the chi of native plants on the strip by May 29, he will face fines of $25 a day. Oh sha.

Where is Mayor Rocky Anderson on this? He campaigned on a platform of feng shui, didn’t he? On second thought, maybe not.

• Speaking of politicos, maybe Meghan Holbrook, the chairwoman of the Utah Democratic Party, could get a feng shui consultant and some wind chimes. The sha got noticeably deeper at Democratic HQ when Cody Judy recently ran for the party’s nomination for the congressional seat being vacated by Jim Hansen. You’ll remember Judy as the man who threatened LDS church Apostle Howard W. Hunter at a BYU fireside, claiming he was the rightful prophet of the Mormons.

Judy did a stint in prison, where he got his sha together.

• And finally this: SuperDell Shanze of Totally Awesome Computer fame is now selling guns as well. As he did with computers, SuperDell is hawking firearms with what he calls “killer deals.” Who needs feng shui when you can get a killer deal on a .357?

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