Feature | City Weekly’s 2009 Year in Preview 

Angela Brown: Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker will star on Hive TV’s new local celebrity dating show Mayor of Love. n

Troy Williams: Rookie Congressman Jason “tent cities” Chaffetz gives Utah its first national gay-sex scandal. He’s too hardcore conservative and too well groomed not to have some secrets in that Utah County closet. n

Holly Mullen: We’ll learn of a major conflict of interest in the way the last open spaces along the Jordan River are being sliced up for development. This time, for a change, people will care. n

Bill Frost: Scott McCoy will be outed as straight; the whole “openly gay” thing was just a ploy to grab attention. And the occasional ass. n

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Will Utah’s zany private-club membership law finally die? Then what? What equally absurd liquor law will take its place? n

AB: The DABC will approve mouthwash, cooking wine, rubbing alcohol and cough syrup for sale at Utah bars. A new law will require bartenders serve liquid to patrons in a large tablespoon by mouth. n

TW: The DABC will finally go after something meaningful—the prohibition of Tahitian Noni and XanGo juices. The Utah Legislature will vehemently oppose the move after learning the entire Utah County economy is dependent on the stuff. n

HM: Last year, it looked like the membership law would go, but in wrestling with the recession this year, legislators will remind us that everyone has to sacrifice. Read: Especially drinkers. Club-membership fees instead will skyrocket. n

BF: Private-club memberships will be rescinded for about two weeks, then reinstated due to sheer exhaustion and property damage from nonstop partying and debauchery—it’ll be like Satan mashed-up Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day for a Girls Gone Wild shoot, just as the detractors predicted. Also, minibottles will make a comeback at Utah state liquor stores. Unfortunately, they’ll be replacing all full-size bottles. n

The LDS Church’s financial and ecclesiastical meddling in California’s Proposition 8 led to calls for a boycott of the whole state of Utah. What about the 2009 Utah Pride Festival? Will GLBT folks boycott their own parade? n

AB: For the first time in Utah history, the attendance at 2009 Pride Parade will surpass that of the popular Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT folks from around the world will migrate to Zion protesting the LDS Church’s involvement with Prop 8. LDS church members will retaliate against GLBT folks in July’s Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT affiliates and their supporters will unleash crickets on parade-goers. n

TW: Gays will never boycott Pride. The freedom to stand in long lines and drink overpriced Budweiser will never be denied. n

HM: Pride will go on. Gay philanthropist Bruce Bastian will offer to ride at the front of the parade in a vintage Aston Martin while tossing out dollar bills. n

BF: No, but they’ll make it 30 percent less fabulous just out of spite. n

Speaking of Mormon busybodies, will the church hierarchy learn anything useful from the Prop 8 fallout? n

AB: I hope they have learned how easily hatred spreads—it takes courage to possess tolerance and unconditional love. n

TW: Even though the LDS Church successfully pummeled the gays in California, the brethren will come to the shocking realization that the Christian right still hates them and is preparing to fight tooth and nail to defeat Mitt Romney in 2012. “Thanks for bankrolling our assault on the queers,” we can expect Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council to say, “but you are still a non-Christian cult. Eeww!” n

HM: First, they have to absorb the scientific fact that they won’t catch AIDS from shaking a gay man’s hand. Then we’ll talk. n

BF: Yes—they learned that they’ve stumbled on the perfect plan to keep two of their worst enemies, homos and Californians, out of Zion. Next, they’ll mount a highly publicized campaign against Oregon and hippies … which I could totally get behind.n

Will Utah benefit from the post-Obama election rapture? The guy actually did carry Salt Lake County—just barely. n

AB: What happens if the national media finds out about this? What will this do to our red reputation? The horror! n

TW: As a state, no, not really. The Eagle Forum and The Utah chapter of [neo-Nazi group] The National Alliance, however, will benefit nicely. They will have a flood of new members, preparing for the preservation of the white race. Expect the organization of European-American Pride Parades to march down Courtesy Way in Orem. n

HM: No. Obama has already repaid Colorado for its loyalty by giving a bunch of its politicians plum jobs in his administration. That’s as far west as he’ll go. n

BF: Since the majority of the state voted against Barack Obama, aka The Antichrist Elect, Utah won’t be “left behind” when the real Rapture happens. Salt Lake County won’t be so lucky; we’ll be stuck here with our stupid private clubs and mini-bottles. n

Utah Jazz players Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Kyle Korver all reach free-agent status in 2009. Who will stay? Who will go? Should we care? n

AB: Yes, we should care, but frankly, I don’t keep up on these matters. n

TW: Boozer, Okur and Korver—the fabled Three Nephites who requested immortality until the end of days, will leave the Jazz in preparation for the final gathering of the Saints back to Missouri. n

HM: Boozer, who seems to get more manic depressive the longer he sits out, will go. That’s OK; the guy is a malingerer. Okur stays. Korver stays. We’ll continue to be mesmerized by power forward Paul Millsap (a restricted free agent this year). Hang onto that guy, pul-eeze. n

BF: You lost me at “Utah Jazz.” n

Predict the price per gallon of gas by the end of the year. n

AB: If the economy bounces back by then, we will see gas prices shoot up again. If our stocks continue to fall, so will the price of gas. I’m going to wager on a stronger economy and $2.75 a gallon. n

TW: Eight bucks and rising. Peak oil is here, baby! The stuff is running out, the demand is increasing worldwide. We. Are. So. Screwed. Get those eco-friendly handcarts ready for the march back to Jackson County! n

HM: Basement-level gas prices simply reflect our sucking economy. I predict—with optimism—$2.98 per gallon by year’s end. n

BF: Around 98 cents. But idiots will still listen to the Doug Wright Show to find one gas station on the other end of the city selling it for 97 cents. n

What annual unbelievably stupid gaffe should we expect this year from state Sen. Chris Buttars? n

AB: Buttars joins Twitter and posts every hour. The world now knows the frightening details of the senator’s every waking hour. n

TW: On the floor of the full Senate Buttars will shout: “Don’t give me no more of that global-warming nonsense. It’s snowing outside! An I c’n see it!” n

HM: Buttars’ colleague, Provo Republican Sen. Curt Bramble, is already ahead in the stupid gaffe department with his recent comments in a public meeting making light of rape. Look it up: SLTrib.com/columnists/ci_11264388 n

Compared to this nitwit, Buttars can hardly do worse. n

BF: He’ll reveal that he was sent back in time from a post-apocalyptic future to warn mankind about the dangers of homosexuality, evolution and moisturizing. n

What will be the hottest topic at the 2009 Legislature? n

AB: State budget cuts cause state employee layoffs and unemployment rates to soar. n

TW: Gay abortion clinics with staff members who refuse to say “Merry Christmas.” n

HM: The skinny budget, of course. Also, expect legislators’ usual time-wasting fight against the governor’s moderate proposals, just because they can—what amounts to a symbolic wedgie for Huntsman. n

BF: A proposed business merger of the Blue Boutique and the Blue Plate Diner that will have Sugar House up in arms—who will protect the children from the Sexy Breakfast Special?n

Singing, ballroom dancing, burlesque performances. What will be the next oh-so-uniquely Utah talent to pop up on a TV network talent show? n

AB: Utah’s stay-at-home moms compete against America’s top homemakers Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray for the coveted title of Homemaker of the Universe. n

TW: “Denying Reality” is an amazing Utah talent. Which is ironic when you consider how many Utahns actually make it onto reality TV. Being “straight” is also a big Utah talent. Which is ironic when you consider how many Utah reality TV stars are actually gay (or will be when they hit puberty). What does this all mean? God only knows. n

HM: Clogging. I haven’t seen that amazing talent—so fertile in Utah—show up on any of these networks yet. n

BF: Mark Shurtleff will be a contestant on Fox’s new Don’t Forget the Ethics. I also have some candidates for Kitchen Nightmares, depending on who’s advertising with us this week. n

Got any “straight out of Utah” plotline predictions for the 2009 season of HBO’s Big Love? n

AB: The BLM will sell oil and gas leases near the Juniper Creek Compound, threatening yet again the survival of Roman Grant’s polygamy sect in southern Utah. Elizabeth Smart will guest star as a potential fourth wife for Bill Henrickson, but Nicki attempts to kill her and Elizabeth’s character only lasts three episodes. n

TW: Big Love will jump the shark when the resurrected Joseph Smith (playing himself) guest stars and reveals that polygamy was just God’s practical joke on Utah. Smith will end the principle of plural marriage in this dispensation, thus ending the series. n

HM: I agree the time has come for Bill to add a fourth wife to the Henrickson clan. And, for once, just for accuracy’s sake, she’ll be homely enough to scare mice out of the kitchen. n

BF: Since I’ve already seen some of it, I can tell you that outside-of-Utah polygamist compound raids and the failing economy are big factors in the new Big Love season. By the end of the season, I think Bill will have added a fourth wife—but it won’t be the Russian waitress, it’ll be someone from the Slippery Kittens Burlesque troupe. n

Who or what in Utah deserves a government bailout this year? n

AB: Let’s put the “Punk” back in “SLC Punk.” Bail out Red Light Books! Sure, its bathroom was a living, breathing health violation—but with a little funding to purchase some Windex, Soft Scrub and ammonia, the owners could have spruced it up to code in no time. R.I.P. n

TW: Landmark Forum. And not financially. They score plenty of bucks with their hard-sell, self-help schemes. They just need to be bailed and hauled out of Utah. n

HM: Daily newspapers. All of ’em. City Weekly thrives on the competition. n

BF: All of the bars forced to go nonsmoking this year—can you imagine what some of these dives are going to smell like without that protective nicotine barrier? They should all qualify for Superfund clean-up status. n

Is 2009 the year we finally see Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker’s all-green, flying cars that run on peace and love? n

AB: Oh, yes; I think I read on Facebook that he is unveiling those at Burning Man 2009. n

TW: No. Prophecies of an encroaching dystopian Dark Age followed by an enlightened utopian shift in human consciousness all begin in the year 2012 (coinciding with a galactic alignment that follows the devastating reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles—duh!). The Hopis and ancient Mayans understood this simple fact and so, too, does Ralph Becker. He’ll have his magic cars ready by the time we all gather again in Missouri. n

HM: Not until Dec. 31. The concept will be tied up in committee all year while Mayor Ralph takes a monthlong raft trip down the Nile and then dithers around trying to reach citywide consensus on the car thing. n

BF: Yes, but Rocky Anderson will somehow find a way to make it all about him. n

About our psychic pundits: n

Angela H. Brown is the unequivocal SLUG magazine whipcracker; simultaneously wearing the hats of editor, publisher, advertising director, marketing director, events director, film director, photographer and babysitter. (SlugMag.com) n

Troy Williams is the executive producer of the public affairs show RadioActive on KRCL, 90.9 FM. He still has some residual Melchizedeck Priesthood prognosticative powers left over from his LDS mission. Visit (KRCL.org) n

Holly Mullen is editor of City Weekly. Her guesses are as good as yours. No. Wait. Yours are better. n

Bill Frost has been with City Weekly since its inception as a Cold War propaganda leaflet in the 1950s. He will soon open a psychic detective agency/gym with his personal assistant Jackie, called Hunches & Crunches.