Feature | City Weekly’s 2009 Year in Preview 

What will be the first big political scandal in Utah in 2009?n

Angela Brown: Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker will star on Hive TV’s new local celebrity dating show Mayor of Love. n

Troy Williams: Rookie Congressman Jason “tent cities” Chaffetz gives Utah its first national gay-sex scandal. He’s too hardcore conservative and too well groomed not to have some secrets in that Utah County closet. n

Holly Mullen: We’ll learn of a major conflict of interest in the way the last open spaces along the Jordan River are being sliced up for development. This time, for a change, people will care. n

Bill Frost: Scott McCoy will be outed as straight; the whole “openly gay” thing was just a ploy to grab attention. And the occasional ass. n

n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n
n n
click to enlarge art7120widea.jpg
n

Will Utah’s zany private-club membership law finally die? Then what? What equally absurd liquor law will take its place? n

AB: The DABC will approve mouthwash, cooking wine, rubbing alcohol and cough syrup for sale at Utah bars. A new law will require bartenders serve liquid to patrons in a large tablespoon by mouth. n

TW: The DABC will finally go after something meaningful—the prohibition of Tahitian Noni and XanGo juices. The Utah Legislature will vehemently oppose the move after learning the entire Utah County economy is dependent on the stuff. n

HM: Last year, it looked like the membership law would go, but in wrestling with the recession this year, legislators will remind us that everyone has to sacrifice. Read: Especially drinkers. Club-membership fees instead will skyrocket. n

BF: Private-club memberships will be rescinded for about two weeks, then reinstated due to sheer exhaustion and property damage from nonstop partying and debauchery—it’ll be like Satan mashed-up Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day for a Girls Gone Wild shoot, just as the detractors predicted. Also, minibottles will make a comeback at Utah state liquor stores. Unfortunately, they’ll be replacing all full-size bottles. n

The LDS Church’s financial and ecclesiastical meddling in California’s Proposition 8 led to calls for a boycott of the whole state of Utah. What about the 2009 Utah Pride Festival? Will GLBT folks boycott their own parade? n

AB: For the first time in Utah history, the attendance at 2009 Pride Parade will surpass that of the popular Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT folks from around the world will migrate to Zion protesting the LDS Church’s involvement with Prop 8. LDS church members will retaliate against GLBT folks in July’s Days of ’47 Parade. GLBT affiliates and their supporters will unleash crickets on parade-goers. n

TW: Gays will never boycott Pride. The freedom to stand in long lines and drink overpriced Budweiser will never be denied. n

HM: Pride will go on. Gay philanthropist Bruce Bastian will offer to ride at the front of the parade in a vintage Aston Martin while tossing out dollar bills. n

BF: No, but they’ll make it 30 percent less fabulous just out of spite. n

Speaking of Mormon busybodies, will the church hierarchy learn anything useful from the Prop 8 fallout? n

AB: I hope they have learned how easily hatred spreads—it takes courage to possess tolerance and unconditional love. n

TW: Even though the LDS Church successfully pummeled the gays in California, the brethren will come to the shocking realization that the Christian right still hates them and is preparing to fight tooth and nail to defeat Mitt Romney in 2012. “Thanks for bankrolling our assault on the queers,” we can expect Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council to say, “but you are still a non-Christian cult. Eeww!” n

HM: First, they have to absorb the scientific fact that they won’t catch AIDS from shaking a gay man’s hand. Then we’ll talk. n

BF: Yes—they learned that they’ve stumbled on the perfect plan to keep two of their worst enemies, homos and Californians, out of Zion. Next, they’ll mount a highly publicized campaign against Oregon and hippies … which I could totally get behind.n

Pin It
Favorite

Latest in News & Columns

  • Shar Lewis of Utah Commission on Volunteers

    Shar Lewis, the executive director of Utah Commission on Volunteers, has helped craft the Lieutenant Governor's Conference on Service, April 8-10 at the Hilton Salt Lake City Center (Volunteers.Utah.gov). Lt. Gov. Greg Bell and Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, will speak, in addition to numerous breakout sessions and a service project on the final day.
    • Mar 31, 2010
  • Feature | Rocky Times: Rocky Anderson is still on the case. Barack Obama had better watch his back.

    nEighteen months ago, Rocky Anderson stood on the steps of Salt Lake’s City & County Building calling for the impeachment of the president. Protesters, some wearing rubber Dick Cheney masks, surrounded him, along with papier-mâché tableaus of Bush cabinet members chained together in black-and-white prison stripes. Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, famously dismissed the protesters a...
    • Feb 3, 2009
  • Mullen| Leave Us Alone: Even in the sovereign nation of Utah, you still have rights. Right?

    By most measures of small-business success in Utah, Tony Chlepas would be in the Hall of Fame. nHis mother, the late Helen Chlepas, was widowed with her four children still in grade school. In the early ’70s, Helen secured a small loan to buy a ramshackle little tavern near the mouth of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Tony and his siblings grew up helping their mom, including in the bar’s tiny ...
    • Feb 3, 2009
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

© 2014 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation