THE HYPE
You’ve been hearing about them for months, and they haven’t even premiered.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Sleepy Hollow
The Blacklist
The Crazy Ones
Almost Human
Reign
Hostages
Dracula
THE FUNNY
The network comedy isn’t dead (yet).
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
The Michael J. Fox Show
We Are Men
Super Fun Night
Trophy Wife
THE USUALS
Nothing “new” to see here.
The Goldbergs
Back In the Game
Betrayal
The Millers
Welcome to the Family
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The Originals
The CW, premiering Thursday, Oct. 3
Remember the bit in This Is Spinal Tap about the band being called The Originals until they found out there was another band across town also called The Originals, so they changed their name to The New Originals? Anyway: I’d rather watch Spinal Tap again than a Vampire Diaries spin-off.
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The Tomorrow People
The CW, premiering Wednesday, Oct. 9
Stephen (Robbie Amell, cousin of Arrow’s Stephen Amell—follow?) is a different kind of pretty teen—but he has no idea how different until he meets up with fellow pretty teens the Tomorrow People, a genetically advanced race with powers of telekinesis, teleportation, telepathy and maybe even sweet Telecaster licks. Sounds cool, until he learns that a shadowy military operation—there’s always a shadowy military operation!—is hunting down the Tomorrow People today, and tomorrow as well. As with most CW fare, TTP is more fun if you just don’t think about it too hard.
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Once Upon a Time in Wonderland
ABC, premiering Thursday, Oct. 10
In case you didn’t gather it from the title, Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (no, it’s not too wordy at all) is an Alice in Wonderland-themed spin-off from ABC’s inexplicable hit Once Upon a Time. The only really interesting detail about OUATIW is that John Lithgow(!) replaced Pee-Wee Herman(!!) as the voice of the White Rabbit.
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Enlisted
Fox, premiering January 2014
First a cop comedy, now a military comedy? Fox really is taking it back to the ’70s this season. Geoff Stults (of the late, somewhat lamented The Finder) is funny enough channeling Stripes’ Bill Murray, and Enlisted exhibits occasional flashes of that old Fox edge that the network was known for before it became Karaoke Central 10 years ago. But a Friday-night timeslot is still a death sentence—catch it while you can.
THE REST
How these got made, no one knows.
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Dads
Fox, premiering Tuesday, Sept. 17
Seth MacFarlane’s live-action sitcom is already catching heat for a stereotypical depiction of an Asian woman in a schoolgirl outfit, but come on—there’s sooo much more here to hate. 1. The setup (cranky fathers move back in with their wisecracking 30-something sons) is straight out of TV Land. 2. So is the grating laugh track, which is completely at odds with not only the rest of Fox’s Tuesday night, but also the net’s entire lineup. 3. This is the type of desperate crap star Seth Green would (and probably will) mock mercilessly on his own Robot Chicken. 4. I have a suspicion that MacFarlane produced this on a dare.
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Ironside
NBC, premiering Wednesday, Oct. 2
So, there’s Blair Underwood as wheelchair-bound detective Robert T. Ironside, and … it’s another cop procedural, just with a recognizable brand name—to a certain generation, anyway (see, kids, Ironside was a 1967-75 NBC cop show starring Perry Mason). There’s no denying Underwood’s onscreen charisma, and his Ironside is far more of a badass than his predecessor, but I’d rather see a Columbo reboot starring Sam Rockwell, personally.
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Mom
CBS, premiering Monday, Sept. 23
Can Chuck Lorre just retire already? He’s made a quadzillion dollars off Two & a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, both in perpetual reruns that prove hourly that the comedy doesn’t hold up, so let’s all take a break from each other, mm-kay? No, he had to crank out Mom, another disposable, canned-laughs yuck machine, starring Anna Faris as a recovering alcoholic mess of a single mom dealing with her kids, her wacky co-workers and her just-as-messy mom (Allison Janney), also a recovering alcoholic. It’s not that Faris and Janney aren’t good; it’s that the sitcom hackery around them is so far from even “meh.”
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Lucky 7
ABC, premiering Tuesday, Sept. 24
Seven gas-station employees become overnight millionaires when their lottery pool finally hits the right numbers; Lucky 7 juggles the stories of each winner—and one loser who, like a chump, squirreled away his dollars instead of buying tickets. Unfortunately, none of said stories are even slightly engaging, and all the soft-rock montages and touchy-feely monologues in the world aren’t going to change that.
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Sean Saves the World
NBC, premiering Thursday, Oct. 3
Will & Grace’s Sean Hayes plays a gay single dad; Reno 911’s Thomas Lennon plays his boss; Alice’s Linda Lavin plays Sean’s mother. So, how did three such comic journeymen come to star in what looks like a parody of a sitcom? And a bad parody, at that—even the laugh track sounds noncommittal. Worst of all, NBC is using this as a lead-in to the astronomically superior Michael J. Fox Show—Sean ain’t saving shit.
MIDSEASON
The second-string replacement series that may show up in 2014—or sooner. Or, in some merciful cases, never.
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The 100 (The CW) Drama
In the future, 100 pretty space kids are exiled to abandoned Earth to survive, maintain perfect hair and have pensive, dewy-eyed moments.
About a Boy (NBC) Comedy
Based on the 1998 novel/2002 movie, now starring David Walton (New Girl) as a single playboy who befriends an 11-year-old boy.
Bad Teacher (CBS) Comedy
Based, for some reason, on the 2011 movie, now starring Ari Graynor (For a Good Time, Call), who’s waaay funnier than Cameron Diaz.
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Believe (NBC) Drama
A 10-year-old girl with telekinetic powers hits the road with an escaped—but innocent!—convict to help people and avoid The Man.
The Black Box (ABC) Drama
A world-famous neuroscientist (Kelly Reilly) treats patients and keeps secrets—like, of course, her own creeping mental illness.
Chicago PD (NBC) Drama
From Dick Wolf, the cop answer to Chicago Fire, which itself was the firefighter answer to Law & Order. In Chicago, if that wasn’t clear.
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey (Fox) Docu-Series
Neil deGrasse Tyson follows up Carl Sagan’s 1980s science series on the home of educational programming … Fox?
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Crisis (NBC) Drama
Dermot Mulroney stars in a hostage thriller about the children of Washington D.C.’s elite and power-players. No relation to Dylan McDermott’s Hostages … this is so confusing.
Crossbones (NBC) Drama
A period leftover from the 2012 development season, starring John Malkovich as Blackbeard the Pirate and, still, absolutely no one else.
Friends With Better Lives (CBS) Comedy
James Van Der Beek (Don’t Trust the B), Kevin Connolly (Entourage) and Brooklyn Decker (uh …) in Rules of Engagement 2.0.
Gang Related (Fox) Drama
Yet another Los Angeles cop drama—but this one has the RZA, Terry O’Quinn from Lost and a guy from The Wire. Otherwise, L.A. cop drama.
Golan the Insatiable (Fox) Animated
A powerful warrior from an alternate universe ends up in suburban Earth and befriends a surly young girl in Invader Zim: The Sequel.
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Growing Up Fisher (NBC) Comedy
Show-killers Jenna Elfman and J.K. Simmons in a Parenthood-ish family dramedy about a blind patriarch and his kooky blond wife.
Intelligence (CBS) Drama
An intelligence operative (Lost’s Josh Holloway) has a microchip imbedded in his brain, making him a human Wi-Fi super-computer. Or Jake 3.0.
Killer Women (ABC) Drama
Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica) is Walker, Texas Ranger … just like her old BSG costar Katee Sackhoff on Longmire.
Lucas Bros. Moving Co. (Fox) Comedy
Twin comedians Kenny and Keith Lucas star as incompetent movers. Remember Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez in Men at Work? Like that.
Mind Games (ABC) Drama
Speaking of brothers, Christian Slater and Steve Zahn star as siblings running a psychological-profiling company. Never give up on TV, Christian.
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Mixology (ABC) Comedy
Beautiful singles mingle in a high-end Manhattan bar, looking for love and decent tips. Potential to be the most insufferable series of 2014 … if it ever makes it to air.
Murder Police (Fox) Animated
From the company behind Bob’s Burgers and someone who worked on Family Guy, a cartoon cop satire that may or may not live up to Adult Swim’s Stroker & Hoop.
The Night Shift (NBC) Drama
Eoin Macken (Merlin), Freddy Rodriguez (Six Feet Under) and Jill Flint (The Good Wife) are good-lookin’ overnight doctors.
Rake (Fox) Drama
Keegan Deane (Greg Kinnear) is a brilliant, charming asshole of a lawyer who gets things done and pisses people off. It’s House Goes to Court.
Reckless (CBS) Drama
Speaking of lawyers, Anna Wood and Cam Gigandet star as opposing Southern attorneys in lust—and at war! It’s The Good Wife Does Charleston.
Resurrection (ABC) Drama
When people start returning from the dead, unaged and perfectly healthy, who’s going to solve the mystery? Or cue up The 4400 on Netflix?
Short-Com Comedy Hour (Fox) Comedy
Says here, “A modern take on the comedy variety series,” so expect it to die and be buried sometime over the summer.
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Star-Crossed (The CW) Drama
In E.T. meets Kyle XY meets Romeo & Juliet, a pretty Earth girl falls in forbidden love with a prettier alien boy; pretty drama ensues.
Surviving Jack (Fox) Comedy
A ’90s-set coming-of-age tale, starring Connor Buckley as Awkward Teen and Christopher Meloni (Law & Order: SVU) as No-Bullshit Dad.
Undateable (NBC) Comedy
Chris D’Elia (Whitney) teaches his romantically challenged roommate and his loser friends how to date women—hopefully, none are Whitney Cummings.
Us & Them (Fox) Comedy
A would-be couple (Parenthood’s Jason Ritter and Gilmore Girls’ Alexis Bledel) barely tolerate their sitcom-cliché friends and families.
Wayward Pines (Fox) Drama
Carla Gugino, Matt Dillon and Terrance Howard star in a mystery-thriller about a seemingly idyllic suburban community. Is all as it appears? Of course not! There are trees in the name!
RETURNING & NEW CABLE SERIES
The “cool” TV shows that you’d actually admit to watching, but will more likely be whining about missing because you don’t have cable. It’s ironic, like rain on your wedding day.
Luther (BBC America; Tuesday, Sept. 3)
Season 3 Premiere: Idris Elba returns to being more badass than most ’Merican cops. Ironside, take note.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX; Wednesday, Sept. 4)
Season 9 Premiere: The Gang moves to a new network and night; find your channel at GetFXX.com.
The League (FXX; Wednesday, Sept. 4)
Season 5 Premiere: FX’s other gang also moves; the funniest sports show that’s not even about sports will be followed by a new (nightly!) season of Totally Biased With W. Kamau Bell, FYI.
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Boardwalk Empire (HBO; Sunday, Sept. 8)
Season 4 Premiere: Having beaten psycho rival Gyp Rosetti, Nucky (Steve Buscemi) gets back to Atlantic City business, while Al Capone (Stephen Graham) expands his in Chicago.
Sons of Anarchy (FX; Tuesday, Sept 10)
Season 6 Premiere: Both Clay (Ron Perlman) and Tara (Maggie Siff) are in prison, leaving Jax (Charlie Hunnam) to run SAMCRO alone and polish his own white sneakers.
Derek (Netflix; Thursday, Sept. 12)
Series Debut: Ricky Gervais’ new seven-episode show about a retirement-home worker is a departure from his other comedies in that it’s not even remotely funny.
Haven (Syfy; Friday, Sept. 13)
Season 4 Premiere: The latest run of the Stephen-King-short-based supernatural series kicks off on Friday the 13th—ooh, scary!
South Park (Comedy Central; Wednesday, Sept. 25)
Season 17 Premiere: Have Trey Parker and Matt Stone run out of ideas after 16 years? Hell, I ran out of ideas after 16 blurbs (see above).
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Eastbound & Down (HBO; Sunday, Sept. 29)
Season 4 Premiere: The real final season for Kenny Fucking Powers (Danny McBride) and the most underrated HBO comedy ever … sigh.
Hello Ladies (HBO; Sunday, Sept. 29)
Series Debut: Gawky Ricky Gervais cohort Stephen Merchant attempts to hang with the beautiful people of Hollywood—needless to say, it goes terribly/hilariously.
Homeland (Showtime; Sunday, Sept. 29)
Season 3 Premiere: Brody (Damian Lewis) is on the run; Carrie (Claire Danes) is shattered and cry-face-y; Saul (Mandy Patinkin) is, well, pretty much the same as ever.
Masters of Sex (Showtime; Sunday, Sept. 29)
Series Debut: Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan star as famed sexuality researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, so expect gratuitous nudity and sex—yay, premium cable!
American Horror Story: Coven (FX; Wednesday, Oct. 9)
Season 3 Premiere: This season is about modern-day (and 1830s) witches in New Orleans, with all of your favorite AHS repertory players (minus Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott) returning.
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The Walking Dead (AMC; Sunday, Oct. 13)
Season 4 Premiere: Once again, the zombie soap’s 16-episode season will be split between eight episodes this year and eight next February. On the upside: More walker swarms than ever!
Doctor Who (BBC America; Saturday, Nov. 23)
50th Anniversary Special: This is such a big deal, it’s being broadcast simultaneously around the world to avoid Internet spoilers. Oh, you geeks are adorable.
Ripper Street (BBC America; Sunday, Dec. 1)
Season 2 Premiere: Since this period drama is back for a second season, it’s safe to say they haven’t yet caught Jack the Ripper. Don’t worry; no geek interest here.
Treme (HBO; Sunday, Dec. 1)
Season 4 Premiere: Only five more episodes and Treme is gone forever. After that, you’ll have another show besides The Wire to yammer on about endlessly to strangers at parties.
RETURNING SERIES
The 2013-14 season premiere dates for your old network favorites. If it’s not listed here, it was canceled. Sorry, someone had to break it to you.
Wednesday, Sept. 11
The X Factor (Fox)
Monday, Sept. 16
Dancing With the Stars (ABC)
Bones (Fox)
Tuesday, Sept. 17
New Girl, The Mindy Project (Fox)
Wednesday, Sept. 18
Survivor (CBS)
Friday, Sept. 20
Last Man Standing, The Neighbors, Shark Tank (ABC)
Monday, Sept. 23
Castle (ABC)
How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
The Voice (NBC)
Tuesday, Sept. 24
NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Person of Interest (CBS)
Chicago Fire (NBC)
Wednesday, Sept. 25
The Middle, Modern Family, Nashville (ABC)
Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS)
Revolution, Law & Order: SVU (NBC)
Thursday, Sept. 26
Grey's Anatomy (ABC)
The Big Bang Theory, Two & a Half Men, Elementary (CBS)
Glee (Fox)
Parks & Recreation, Parenthood (NBC)
Friday, Sept. 27
Undercover Boss, Hawaii Five-0, Blue Bloods (CBS)
Saturday, Sept. 28
Saturday Night Live (NBC)
Sunday, Sept. 29
Once Upon a Time, Revenge (ABC)
The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, The Mentalist (CBS)
The Simpsons, Bob’s Burgers, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox)
Thursday, Oct. 3
Scandal (ABC)
The Vampire Diaries (The CW)
Monday, Oct. 7
Hart of Dixie, Beauty & the Beast (The CW)
Tuesday, Oct. 8
The Biggest Loser (NBC)
Supernatural (The CW)
Wednesday, Oct. 9
Arrow (The CW)
Friday, Oct. 25
Grimm (NBC)
The Carrie Diaries (The CW)
Friday, Nov. 8
Raising Hope (Fox)
2014?
Community (NBC)