Everybody Loves Rocky 

Pin It

According to a new poll commissioned by the Deseret News and KSL TV, Salt Lake City’s mayor is more popular than Little Orphan Annie, whoever that is.

The poll was taken after Rocky got Lasik eye surgery and that new buzz cut, leading at least one female Salt Lake City newspaper columnist to remark that, midlife crisis or not, he’s looking a lot more like Harrison Ford these days. Sexy.

The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 7 percent—meaning that maybe everybody doesn’t like Rocky after all. Well, we already know that City Councilwoman Nancy Saxton does not love Rocky. When reading the poll results, she reportedly reprised the Danny Thomas spit-take by spewing forth coffee from her mouth and nose. And Council Chairman Dave Buhler is rumored to have said that he doesn’t like the mayor now any more than he did in his previous incarnation with the Mel Torme haircut and the Rod Decker glasses.

According to the SmartBomb grapevine, former Democrat House leader Frank Pignanelli—known affectionately by party insiders as “Pig”—and Dave Spatafore—a bigwig in the Utah League of Cities and Towns who owns the moniker “Spat”—have downplayed the results. According to the Dan Jones poll, if an election were held last week, Rocky would get 46 percent of the vote to Pig’s 9 percent and Spat’s 2 percent. Ouch. Buhler would get 12 percent.

• Although the election is 14 months away, Rocky isn’t taking any chances. He’s already opened his reelection office on Main Street downtown. In keeping with the mayor’s alfresco preferences, the grapevine has it that Rock’s election staff will push desks and computers out onto the sidewalk to make downtown look livelier. Volunteers will pass out lattes to passersby who agree to wear temporary midriff tattoos with his campaign slogan: “Rocky—Mayor For Life.”

• What about the big terrorist scare recently at the Army’s Deseret Chemical Depot where nerve gas is stored? An “intruder” was spotted wandering near a fence line beyond which the Cold War weapons are stacked in bunkers.

Roadblocks were set up. Troops dispatched. Helicopters and jet fighters scrambled. But nothing and nobody could be found. The lack of news, however, did not stop Salt Lake City’s daily news operations from pulling out the stops. On the anniversary of Sept. 11, any shadow might be big news. And if it isn’t news, well, so what … roll the tape.

• Speaking of fat stories (notice clever segue), McDonald’s will be using a new oil to cook its French fries that is said to cut in half those evil trans fatty acids while increasing polyunsaturated fats that are somehow better for you. Nutritionists say that cutting trans fatty acids could prevent heart attacks. Fast-food CEOs have said that French fries are not addictive.

• And finally, this: A court has ruled that Miss North Carolina can keep her crown after a former boyfriend produced photos of the 24-year-old with breasts exposed. It wasn’t immediately clear whether Rebekah Revels will be able to compete in the Miss America pageant. But certainly she wouldn’t be disqualified from Salt Lake City’s SLUG Queen contest, where boobs and pudding-wrestling were the order of the day (see Scene & Heard, p. 58).

Pin It

More by Christopher Smart

  • Flying Dinosaur Days: Christopher Smart (Editor 1996-2002)

    It’s all a fog now, but as I review the fossil record—with carbon-14 dating, of course—it appears that I started at City Weekly sometime in 1993 as a freelancer ...
    • Jun 23, 2010
  • Breaking Free

    The healing force for one prison inmate was the discovery of his art.
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • Ruben Retaliates

    In an unusual move, Salt Lake City Police Chief Ruben Ortega released protected personnel documents to news media in an apparent attempt to embarrass or retaliate against one of his police officers and president of the local police union. It was the...
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • More »

Latest in News

  • Heavy Pedal

    Road to regulate bike taxis bumpy, protracted.
    • Oct 19, 2016
  • Thanks for Nothing

    Tragic details of a young man's suicide in a Utah prison cell are brought back to life by his grandma's lawsuit.
    • Oct 12, 2016
  • Balk the Vote

    Nonprofit sets sights on re-energizing young voters.
    • Oct 5, 2016
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Digital Divide

    County Council switches course, gives Community Access to Technology program six-month reprieve
    • Jun 24, 2015
  • Shot Down

    Youth shot by police near the downtown shelter struggles to rebuild his life.
    • May 11, 2016

© 2016 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation