Election Issue 2008 | Cage Match: Why not make this McCain-Obama thing a real fight? 

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The presidential campaign has offered its own share of low blows, pot shots and cheap jabs between candidates on issues ranging from the economy to energy. But City Weekly was curious what the experts would say about a real contest, mano a mano, between the candidates. City Weekly polled some mixed-martial-arts fighters and fighters-in-training at promoter Mike Stidham’s Ultimate Combat Training Center in Kearns.n

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City Weekly: So, who would win a cage match between Obama and McCain?

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Patrick Upton: I don’t know, man. McCain is a cripple and [Sarah] Palin … there’s no way she could take either one of ’em. You gotta be realistic. Either way, the fight sucks and it bores the crowd to death. Three people show up and they all go home after 20 minutes.

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CW: Just between McCain and Obama, that would be done pretty quickly?

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PU: Neither one would be able to finish each other, but Obama would probably be the one to get the better of ’em.

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CW: Is it because he’s got the reach? Because McCain seems to have a lot of rage beneath the surface.

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PU: [McCain’s] just too handicapped. The guy was hurt from being a POW—they beat the hell out of him. So, unless he’s got some good kicks …

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CW:Who do you think would win?

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Nick Prince: It’d probably be McCain. Because of the whole POW thing.

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CW: Gotta count for something.

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NP: Yeah, I hope so.

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CW: What would that fight look like?

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NP: Terrible. It would be a mess.

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CW: But if you’re handicapped in that regard, what kind of options do you have in a fight?

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NP: Kick him in the crotch. Army guys like that fight dirty. That’s what I’m hoping: He’ll kick him in the crotch, kick his legs out, it’ll all be done.

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Mike Stidham: You want some words of wisdom from me?

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CW: Tell me, what does this fight look like?

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MS: I’m telling you, white guys cut easy. McCain would cut too easy; he’s got paper-thin skin. He’d go down easy. I predict Obama [wins] with crushing elbows to [McCain’s] face. Palin would, with her (exaggerated breast-flailing) pow-pow-pow-pow-pow! You know both of them would just be sitting there mesmerized anyway.

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CW: She would make the difference if she were on McCain’s team?

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MS: She would pull either one of those guys into her guard, and it’s over. The fight’s over.

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CW: So Obama against McCain, Obama’s got it—but with Palin?

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MS: Palin would triangle choke … everyone. She would even triangle choke McCain; it would just be her. That’s my official prognosis. tttt

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