Hillary Clinton will produce an “excused” note from her physician, Dr. Satan.
Donald Trump won’t appear unless moderators sign his “No Math, Geography or Other Very Bad Questions” agreement.
Clinton forgets to renew her auto-pay account with The Liberal Media.
Trump’s custom podium construction falls behind schedule due to lack of Mexican laborers.
Clinton will stay home and send in her body double (Saturday Night Live’s Kate McKinnon).
Trump refuses to go to Hofstra University because nickname “The Pride” could be “a gay thing or whatever.”
Clinton fakes her own death and retires to Celebrity Afterlife Island® with Lemmy and Prince.
Trump and Clinton take a “relaxation” break at 4:20 with Gary Johnson and just forget to show up.