logic says the club’s original slogan “Food, Spirits and Fun” couldn’t
be used since righteous people like Mr. Waddoups are offended by the
word “spirits.” Never mind that people could look right through the
windows anyway—a dumb rule is a dumb rule, and the object shall be for
Utah lawmakers to make them even dumber.
As in private-club memberships. Sane Utahns know the private-club law is silly and not a drinking deterrent, and they bitch about it ad nauseum. Visitors to Utah know the law is silly and not a drinking deterrent, and they go back home to tell their friends how stupid we are. Insane people like Waddoups think that’s a good thing. Among the asinine statements folks like him like to make is this gem, “If tourists only come here to drink, we don’t want them.” Ditto, Waddoups—it’s the rare tourist who could bear five minutes with him and not throw up. Waddoups can induce the gag reflex by merely speaking. He now says if private clubs go away, Utah needs to scan the IDs of everyone going into a private club—or whatever they will be called—whether they drink or not. After seeing an ID-scanner demonstration (wanna bet he got some Jazz seats for his time?), Waddoups recently expanded his idea to include scanning at restaurants, too. In Waddoupsworld, if you were drinking in one place, then visited another, your second bartender could tap into a database and find that you may have been drinking. If you were pulled over for a missing taillight, a cop could do the same. You tell me why Utah shouldn’t be considered a laughing stock. You tell me why Waddoups wouldn’t pee himself if he had to similarly register his wacky follies.
Monday, Feb. 2, was the last call at Port O’ Call. I was there. In many ways, I liked clubs before they had windows—not because I don’t like seeing outside, but because I don’t like Waddoups and the rest seeing in. Kent and Jannette eventually married and bought the Shubrick Building in which they would sink millions rehabilitating—only to have the U.S. government steal it. The federal courthouse that will someday replace the Shubrick should have been placed elsewhere. The Feds picked that spot even though the property across the street is vacant—it’s owned by billionaire Earl Holding, who is protected by Sen. Orrin Hatch.
Some didn’t like driving past Port O’Call with its raging neon, with its four floors of fun, with its lines stretching from here to Jesus, with its Budweiser billboard and alcohol flowing inside. Port was a conspicuous anomaly in a town that yearns to be Vatican West. I think certain powerful and influential people viewed the Port as another Zion Curtain—the largest in Utah—a symbol of all they strive against.
And they had it destroyed. CW Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.