Dubya’s Da Dude 

Pin It
Favorite

Making history can be a whole lot of fun, can’t it? And this presidential election has been awfully darned exciting, even if you voted for Ralph “Smiley” Nader. Thanks in part to Smiley, the election of the president is totally screwed up … er, uh, historical.

Here at Smartbomb, we’ve been analyzing all the ifs, ands or buts surrounding the national popular vote count, the Electoral College and Florida balloting. Following careful analysis, historical review and number crunching, we think we’ve come up with a solution: Screw the Electoral College!


American voters, finally forced to pay attention to what the Electoral College is and how it actually works, can’t believe what a dumb thing it really is. Surveys indicate that an overwhelming majority of voters don’t like it. The Founding Fathers made a mistake; let’s scrap the damn college and move on, they say. Amen.


The most intriguing part of this election is that George W. Bush didn’t win the popular vote, and if you take into account all the irregularities in Florida, he shouldn’t have won the Electoral College tally, either. But nonetheless, it looks like he will be the next president. You gotta love it, baby. Like Dubya always says, “I’d rather be lucky than good, any day.” Prophetic, ain’t it?


Richard Milhous Nixon has finally emerged in a positive light. Bush supporters are pointing to Tricky Dick as a great statesman who refused to challenge results in the 1960 presidential race that saw John F. Kennedy installed as president by a razor-thin margin. Kennedy’s victory rested on Illinois, where the mob and Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley delivered the goods, and Texas, where Lyndon Johnson’s cronies were in charge of vote counting. Nixon knew he got screwed, according to Bush supporters, but didn’t challenge the results. Gore should do the same, they insist. Who said those Bush folks aren’t logical?



Here at Smartbomb, the staff just loves Dubya. Anyone who used to snort coke and got busted for a DUI can’t be all that bad. This is a guy we can all relate to—unlike like Al Gore, who spent his entire adult life being responsible. How boring. One thing is clear: Bush will be a lot more fun than Gore for news reporters to cover. For starters, after every press conference they’ll have to figure out what the hell it was Dubya said.



Finally, for all you little skankers out there who think City Weekly has sold out, this: On last Sunday’s Salt Lake Tribune party page—you know, the page where all the fat cats have big smiles on their faces during various hoity-toity soirees—was a picture of John Saltas (in tuxedo, no less) and his charming wife, Paula. They were attending the University of Utah President’s Dinner, along with the usual suspects. The saving grace: The photo caption didn’t identify him as publisher of City Weekly. Thank the Lord.

Pin It
Favorite

More by Christopher Smart

  • Flying Dinosaur Days: Christopher Smart (Editor 1996-2002)

    It’s all a fog now, but as I review the fossil record—with carbon-14 dating, of course—it appears that I started at City Weekly sometime in 1993 as a freelancer ...
    • Jun 23, 2010
  • Breaking Free

    The healing force for one prison inmate was the discovery of his art.
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • Ruben Retaliates

    In an unusual move, Salt Lake City Police Chief Ruben Ortega released protected personnel documents to news media in an apparent attempt to embarrass or retaliate against one of his police officers and president of the local police union. It was the...
    • Sep 6, 2007
  • More »

Latest in News

  • "When Women Run, Women Win"

    Exploring the storied, difficult road for women in Utah politics.
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • Bad Day at Red Rock

    Moab's former city manager alleges she was fired for being a whistleblower on troubled police dept.
    • Jan 18, 2017
  • Biskupski: The First Year

    Milestones, missteps line the mayor's first 366 days in office.
    • Jan 4, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • No Limits

    A pair of Republican gubernatorial candidates bemoan and protect Utah's loose campaign cash laws.
    • Jun 22, 2016
  • To Giveth and Taketh

    City leaders are eager to close the Glendale Golf Course, but turning it into something else will take loads of money
    • Jun 10, 2015

© 2017 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation