Badass motherbleeper director Patrick Lussier drops obvious clues about how very, very long Cage has been in hell, and how very, very unwilling he appears to be to get physically involved with Piper, even though the camera has been trying to screw her from the moment she first appears onscreen. It’s gotta be that she’s the granddaughter, right? All growed up because Cage’s eternal sense of time is off? Or he was detained escaping from hell, or whatever?
But no, she isn’t. Poor Piper has fallen afoul of that most pernicious of dichotomies, the one about madonnas and whores. Piper is being saved so she can take care of Milton’s grandchild; that’s not the kind of woman a badass motherhumper actually humps. But never fear! There’s plenty of meaningless sex to get the audience off—and if you’ve become desensitized to how action movies have sexualized violence, you’re about to see it taken to a whole new level, as Cage has an interlude with a roadside tavern waitress while fighting off bad guys. That’s right: Milton pumps off round after round while pumping her—and all the while, she’s screaming orgasmically. Or maybe she’s screaming in terror. Either way, it’s meant to be hilarious. It isn’t.
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D
Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, Billy Burke