Emeril is dead. OK, not supastar Food Network Chef Emeril Lagasse himself, just his horrific self-titled NBC sitcom—insert obligatory “Bam!” joke here. Lagasse is every bit as alive ‘n’ tainted as failed post-Seinfeld alum Michael “Kramer” Richards (last season’s quickly-canceled Michael Richards Show) and Jason “Costanza” Alexander (this season’s quickly-canceled Bob Patterson). Repetition just kinda drains all the fun out of these high-profile celebrity-vehicle TV bombs, doesn’t it? Curse you, Bette Midler and Geena Davis.
Thursday, Jan. 3: Inside Schwartz (NBC, 7:30 p.m.) The Final Tearful Episode: Schwartz is joined by the unemployed remnants of The Single Guy, Union Square, Suddenly Susan, Jesse and The Weber Show in a fourth-quarter beat-down of the Friends and sundry NBC executives.
Friday, Jan. 4: Once & Again (ABC, 8 p.m.) New Timeslot: Your precious chick show has been moved up an hour—happy? Tonight, Sam (Steven Weber of, yikes!, The Weber Show) flashes back to a typically weepy incident with his estranged wife (Jane Sibbett of, yikes!, Friends).
Saturday, Jan. 5: Movie: The Rage: Carrie 2 (Sci-Fi Channel, 7 p.m.) A new (and hotter) high-school girl with telekinetic powers goes to Carrie’s rebuilt alma mater and somehow, the same shit happens all over again.
Sunday, Jan. 6: Sex and the City (HBO, 10 p.m.), Oz (HBO, 11 p.m.); Queer as Folk (Showtime, 11 p.m.), The Chris Isaak Show (Showtime, 11:45 p.m.) Season Premieres: New York sex, prison sex, gay sex and some strange combo of all three—plus yodeling—with Chris and his hair!
Monday, Jan. 7: Fear Factor (NBC, 7 p.m.) Season Premiere: Walking on a plane’s wing, driving a car off a rooftop, sticking your face in a bucket of water snakes, or watching back-to-back episodes of Emeril … your call.
Tuesday, Jan. 8: Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC, 1 a.m.); Imagine That (NBC, 7 p.m.) Series Debuts: The massive tool from MTV gets his own late-chat show; Hank Azaria gets his own sitcom and … What? KSL has pre-empted it for yet more local Olympic filler? Thanks, KSL.
Wednesday, Jan. 9: American Music Awards (ABC, 7 p.m.) P. Diddy and Jenny McCarthy host and, of COURSE, Britney and Lenny play.