Down With NBC 

NBC makes up for the sins of Emeril and inside Schwartz with Imagine That... almost.

Emeril is dead. OK, not supastar Food Network Chef Emeril Lagasse himself, just his horrific self-titled NBC sitcom—insert obligatory “Bam!” joke here. Lagasse is every bit as alive ‘n’ tainted as failed post-Seinfeld alum Michael “Kramer” Richards (last season’s quickly-canceled Michael Richards Show) and Jason “Costanza” Alexander (this season’s quickly-canceled Bob Patterson). Repetition just kinda drains all the fun out of these high-profile celebrity-vehicle TV bombs, doesn’t it? Curse you, Bette Midler and Geena Davis.

Tube Stops

  • Thursday, Jan. 3: Inside Schwartz (NBC, 7:30 p.m.) The Final Tearful Episode: Schwartz is joined by the unemployed remnants of The Single Guy, Union Square, Suddenly Susan, Jesse and The Weber Show in a fourth-quarter beat-down of the Friends and sundry NBC executives.

  • Friday, Jan. 4: Once & Again (ABC, 8 p.m.) New Timeslot: Your precious chick show has been moved up an hour—happy? Tonight, Sam (Steven Weber of, yikes!, The Weber Show) flashes back to a typically weepy incident with his estranged wife (Jane Sibbett of, yikes!, Friends).

  • Saturday, Jan. 5: Movie: The Rage: Carrie 2 (Sci-Fi Channel, 7 p.m.) A new (and hotter) high-school girl with telekinetic powers goes to Carrie’s rebuilt alma mater and somehow, the same shit happens all over again.

  • Sunday, Jan. 6: Sex and the City (HBO, 10 p.m.), Oz (HBO, 11 p.m.); Queer as Folk (Showtime, 11 p.m.), The Chris Isaak Show (Showtime, 11:45 p.m.) Season Premieres: New York sex, prison sex, gay sex and some strange combo of all three—plus yodeling—with Chris and his hair!

  • Monday, Jan. 7: Fear Factor (NBC, 7 p.m.) Season Premiere: Walking on a plane’s wing, driving a car off a rooftop, sticking your face in a bucket of water snakes, or watching back-to-back episodes of Emeril … your call.

  • Tuesday, Jan. 8: Last Call With Carson Daly (NBC, 1 a.m.); Imagine That (NBC, 7 p.m.) Series Debuts: The massive tool from MTV gets his own late-chat show; Hank Azaria gets his own sitcom and … What? KSL has pre-empted it for yet more local Olympic filler? Thanks, KSL.

  • Wednesday, Jan. 9: American Music Awards (ABC, 7 p.m.) P. Diddy and Jenny McCarthy host and, of COURSE, Britney and Lenny play.
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