Saturday, Jan. 30 (Fox Reality)
Series Debut: In March, the Fox Reality Channel—home to such highbrow original fare as Battle of the Bods, My Bare Lady and Sex Decoy: Love Stings, as well as reruns of every reality show you’ve ever tried to forget—will be shut down for good and reprogrammed as National Geographic Wild. But, like Conan O’Brien, it’s not going away without dropping a farewell network deuce: Seducing Cindy is Fox Reality’s Masturbating Bear, and “Cindy” is ’90s Internet superstar Cindy Margolis—she’s 44 and ready for a man-whore! The cougar bachelorette will choose from 24 suitors ranging from a teenage college student to a 71-year-old “world traveler,” with a Satanic rocker and a Tupac impersonator (!) thrown in for the hell of it. How did this channel fail?
Sunday, Jan. 31 (TLC)
Series Debut: TLC (aka The Little Channel) ran the introductory pilot of The Little Chocolatiers with little (ha!) promo fanfare in December; the short (ha!) reality series continues tonight with the first and second of six episodes. The Little Chocolatiers, of course, are Salt Lake City’s Steve Hatch and Katie Masterson, owners of Hatch Family Chocolates in the Avenues—they also happen to be little. The pilot ep established the pair as naturals on-camera, far more so than TLC’s Cake Boss (who’s essentially Fred Flintstone via Jersey Shore), and their artful choco-creations could give Duff at Ace of Cakes a run for his fondant. Bonus: Salt Lake City itself hasn’t looked this good on national TV since the 2002 Winter Olympics, so here’s hoping The Little Chocolatiers is as big a TLC hit as I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (which, come to think of it, should also film exclusively in Utah).
Tuesday, Feb. 2 (ABC)
Season Premiere: Haven’t seen it; don’t know what the hell’s going to happen. Lost’s producers and ABC have been even tighter than usual with preview materials, but a few hints about the series’ sixth and final season have leaked out: No more time travel or flashbacks, Sawyer’s a bastard again, limited Dharma Initiative involvement, and closure on every nagging Lost mystery of the series. Maybe even the appeal of Dominic Monaghan.
Wednesday, Feb. 3 (CBS)
What is it with you hillbillies and your Super Bowl commercials? If you spent half as much energy seeking out quality TV shows as you do scrutinizing the latest damned Doritos ad, you’d stop bitching about how there’s “nuthin’ good on TV” and Dollhouse would still be on the air. OK, probably not—but my point stands! I tried, Eliza …