Dirtnap Central 

Last week, the five-and-a-half major networks (UPN jokes just never get old) each unveiled their thrilling new schedules for the fall 2002-’03 TV season—and, by exclusion, which of your favorite shows they’d finally put down for dirtnaps. Naturally, The Only TV Column That Matters™ was at every single press conference, flying coast-to-coast and getting the scoop. Unfortunately, due to jetlag, hangover, weekly deadlines and a misunderstanding/fistfight with Saturday Night Live’s Tina Fey at the NBC announcement gala in New York City (she won, but I still contend it was not my hand on her ass—Martin Sheen needs to step up, that’s all I’m saying), only now is it hitting ink. The shakeout:

• ABC—Renewed: According to Jim, Alias, America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Bachelor, Drew Carey, George Lopez, The Practice, My Wife & Kids, NYPD Blue, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (specials only) and Whose Line is It Anyway?

Canceled: Bob Patterson, The Chair, The Court, Dharma & Greg, The Job, Once & Again, Philly, Politically Incorrect, Spin City, Thieves, Wayne Brady and Wednesday 9:30 (8:30 Central).

New next season: 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (John Ritter vs. teen girls), Dinotopia (dinosaurs—what else?), Less Than Perfect (NewsRadio at a TV network), Life With Bonnie (Bonnie Hunt as local TV celeb), Meds (San Francisco HMO action), Push Nevada (Ben Affleck and Matt Damon’s Clue in the desert) and That Was Then (Quantum Leap meets Get a Life).

• CBS—Renewed: The Agency, The Amazing Race, Baby Bob (midseason), Becker, CSI, The District, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Guardian, JAG, Judging Amy, King of Queens, Survivor, Touched By an Angel and Yes Dear.

Canceled: American Fighter Pilot, Citizen Baines, Danny, The Education of Max Bickford, The Ellen Show, Family Law, First Monday, That’s Life and Wolf Lake.

New next season: Bram & Alice (washed-up writer meets writer daughter), CSI: Miami (you know, CSI—in Miami), Hack (crime-fightin’ cabdriver), Presidio Med (San Francisco HMO action … again), RHD/LA (robbery and homicide action in la-la land), Still Standing (Yes Dear in Chicago) and Without a Trace (CSI—minus the dead bodies).

• NBC—Renewed: Crossing Jordan, Ed, ER, Fear Factor, Frasier, Friends, Just Shoot Me, Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Providence, Saturday Night Live, Scrubs, Spy TV (summer), Third Watch, Watching Ellie (midseason) and Will & Grace.

Canceled: Colin Quinn, Emeril, Imagine That, Inside Schwartz, Leap of Faith, Lost, Three Sisters, UC: Undercover and Weakest Link.

New next season: American Dreams (State of Grace in Philadelphia), Boomtown (Law & Order in la-la land), In-Laws (Meet the Parents meets Emeril), Hidden Hills (überhot Paula Marshall as … suburban mom?) and Good Morning Miami (NewsRadio at a TV network … again).

• Fox—Renewed: America’s Most Wanted, Andy Richter Controls the Universe (midseason), Bernie Mac, Boston Public, Cops, Futurama, Grounded For Life, King of the Hill, Mad TV, Malcolm In the Middle, The Simpsons, That ’70s Show and 24.

Canceled: Ally McBeal, The American Embassy, The Chamber, Dark Angel, The Family Guy, Greg the Bunny, Love Cruise, Pasadena, Temptation Island, That ’80s Show, The Tick, Titus, Undeclared and The X-Files.

New next season: Cedric the Entertainer (Cedric—he’s an entertainer), Fast Lane (Starsky & Hutch … again), Firefly (sci-fi action from the Buffy folks), Girls Club (Ally McBeal 2: Estro Boogaloo), The Grubbs (Randy Quaid sitcom—’nuff said), John Doe (Memento meets … uh, forgot), Oliver Beene (The Wonder Years, as narrated by Phil Hendrie) and Septuplets (The Brady Bunch, with a spare).

• The WB—Renewed: Angel, Charmed, Dawson’s Creek, Gilmore Girls, Jamie Kennedy, Off Centre, Reba, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Smallville and 7th Heaven.

Canceled: Elimidate Deluxe, Felicity, For Your Love, Glory Days, Men Women & Dogs, Nikki, No Boundaries, Raising Dad, Steve Harvey and The Young Person’s Guide to Becoming a Rock Star.

New next season: Birds of Prey (Dark Angel in Gotham City), Do Over (Quantum Leap meets That ’80s Show), Everwood (Judging Amy in Colorado), Family Affair (remake of the ’60s sitcom—Buffy’s back on The WB!), Greetings From Tucson (Maybe It’s Me in Arizona) and What I Like About You (Gilmore Girls in New York).

• UPN—Renewed: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Enterprise, Girlfriends, One on One, The Parkers and WWE Smackdown.

Canceled: As If, The Hughleys, Random Years, Roswell, Special Unit 2, Under One Roof and Wolf Lake (again).

New next season: Half & Half (sassy half-sisters), Haunted (crime-fightin’ ghosts) and The Twilight Zone (The Twilight Zone … again).