Izzy Blofeld, chief strategist for mergers and acquisitions at Blofeld and Bannister, the white-shoe investment bank behemoth, said the merger between the two religions was inevitable.
“In today’s market, these mergers are the only way to go,” said Blofeld, a nattily dressed financial wizard who also holds a degree in Comparative Religion and Superstition from Rutgers University. “Just like Delta and Northwest, the merger between the LDS and FLDS is a no-brainer. In fact, the marriage between the two sects has no downside. The new BSLDS Church will be a total win/win, with productive synergies not just for the short term but for the long term as well, which, when you’re talking about religion, is pretty damned important.”
A series of confidential deep-background conversations with high Mormon officials revealed that a merger between the LDS and FLDS has been a subject of discussion for several years. Secret meetings were held between both parties at undisclosed locations in Mesquite, Wendover and Kanosh. A major sticking point, according to our sources, was the official hairstyle to be adopted by the female segment of the faithful.
Bargainers representing the Fundamentalist Mormons were adamant that their women be required to adhere to the elaborately sculpted style that has become a fashion sensation as a consequence of the raid on the Yearning For Zion compound deep in the heart of Texas. Mainstream Mormons, on the other hand, wanted their women to continue sporting their trademark no-nonsense all-purpose asexual perm. The conflict in the hairstyle department was resolved, apparently, when it was agreed that all females be issued baseball caps—emblazoned with the new logo of the merged church—to be worn during both sessions of the semi-annual General Conference.
Doctrinal differences were quickly disposed of, since none exist. Both parties believe in the same holy books, worship the same original prophets and believe in the same celestial geography. Participants say there was a brief discussion of polygamy, but it centered on practice, not doctrine, which remains inscribed in all its glory in the Doctrine and Covenants, sections 131 and 132.
Church spokesman Hall N. Oates (no relation to Apostle Dallin Oaks) admitted that mainstream Mormons have a very weak leg to stand on with regard to the polygamy problem.
“Our brethren in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints know that once we all get to the Celestial Kingdom, polygamy will be the sanctioned matrimonial practice. After all, apostles like Dallin Oaks—we’re not related, by the way, even though people constantly mistake us for one another, especially at conference—Brother Oakes, as I say, is already sealed for time and all eternity to the two wives he has espoused here on Earth.”
Asked if the merger between the LDS and FLDS factions meant that polygamy would now be practiced here on Earth by the new BSLDS entity, spokesman Oates (no relation to Apostle Oaks) refused to give a definitive answer but hinted that for the time being polygamy would be discouraged for the rank and file faithful.
“We tell them that there will be plenty of time up in the Celestial Kingdom to enjoy the company of multiple wives. As for the Fundamentalist Mormons who already practice polygamy, well, we’ll be able to keep them under wraps, so to speak.”
Spokesman Oates (no relation to Dallin) paused and grew reflective. “As you know, for the past hundred years, this polygamy thing has been a huge embarrassment for the Mormon church. We’ve tried everything to separate ourselves from the Fundamentalists, who, after all, are just following the Lord’s commandment as revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith.
“We believe this merger deal will do the trick for us. We can control the polygamists, keep them out of sight, send the so-called lost boys on missions, and then in a couple of years, after all the kerfuffle has quieted down, deny everything—which has always proved to be quite successful for us. We’ll finally be home free.”
D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.