Deep End: Sex God 

Expect Warren Jeffs to make one righteous TV relationships expert.

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Warren Jeffs will soon give up his job as fundamentalist ex-Mormon prophet and become a TV sex counselor—if famed Hollywood producer Silvie Glick has anything to do with it.

“We’re crossing our fingers about his legal situation,” said Glick at an impromptu news conference following the verdict on the prophet’s rape trial. “But I know that Warren has a fantastic future dispensing sexual advice on TV. While Warren was in the hoosegow, we were able to do a pilot of the show—the jailers and guards were just super about cooperating and even came up with some good questions for Warren to answer. And we’ve got a great name for the show: Honeymoon Hideout.”

Ms. Glick, a ball of energy with jet-black hair and a deep, throaty laugh, said she knew the prophet had that certain je ne sais quoi the first time she heard one of his tapes played in a news report.

“I was driving down the 405 in L.A. when the radio played a snippet of the prophet giving a sermon. What a voice! Hypnotic! Fatherly! Soothing! I almost swerved off the road. I had a hunch we could build a show around him. Then when I heard what he said to those kids having marriage problems—Jane Doe and Allen Steed—he said, “Take it slow. Try to get close. Try to show love.” When I heard those words, I knew we had a sex advice star ready to blast off. Forget about Dr. Ruth! Or that nun who talks dirty on cable. And especially that icky Dr. Phil.”

Glick says she has already secured the rights to a song by the Pointer Sisters that she will use as the theme music for Honeymoon Hideout.

“You know the song: ‘I want a man with a slow hand; I want a lover with an easy touch, something something, someone who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush.’ Wow! That has Warren’s fingerprints all over it. At first, I wanted to call Warren’s sex show Slow Hand, but then the standards and practices people—what a bunch of prudes!—they said, ‘No way, so we went with Honeymoon Hideout, which is what you remember Jane Doe’s parents named her bedroom back at the house after she and Allen got hitched.”

At times, during her press conference, Glick encountered some hostile questions, including a heated exchange with KUTV’s Rod Decker.

“What kind of a message does this send, Ms. Glick, to the youth of America to have a polygamist, a man known to have had carnal relations with several women of all ages, giving sex tips to kids?” Decker asked.

“Well,” Glick retorted, displaying her perfect teeth in a dazzling smile, “isn’t he the type of man who should be giving advice? I wish my first husband, Walter, had talked to someone like the prophet before we walked down the aisle—someone handy in the sex department.

“Let me just add that I was a virgin before I got married, and so was Walter, and I believe with all my heart that kids shouldn’t have sex, or what you call carnal relations, before they get married. Getting back to our show Honeymoon Hideout, that’s what makes it unique. Like me, Warren doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. If you’ve read any of his sermons, you know that he doesn’t want boys or girls lifting so much as finger in the general direction of the other gender.

“Like I said, Warren doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, but he sure believes in sex after marriage! That other Warren, Warren Beatty, learned all about women before he got married, but look how long it took him. Our Warren, the prophet Warren, learned all about women after marriage. Those rumors about me and Warren B., by the way, are not true, but I have to say that he and the prophet Warren are a lot alike. Not only do they have slow hands, they are slow talkers, which drives women wild. Warren B. is a little better looking, but Warren J. makes up for deficiencies in the looks department with his weird and geeky charm. There’s really no one like Warren since Mr. Rogers.

“Our show Honeymoon Hideout will draw on the prophet’s vast experience in knowing how to please a women not just every time, but all the time, and not just all the time, but all eternity as well.”

D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.

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