Deep End | Play Me: A cacophony of silliness and a theater, too. 

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Frequently Asked Questions about the “Broadway-style” theater planned for downtown Salt Lake City:

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Q: What is the difference between a “Broadway-style theater” and a regular theater?

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A: A “Broadway-style” theater is more than just a regular theater. It is more like a “Broadway-class” theater.

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Q: What is the difference between a “Broadway-style” theater and a “Broadway-class” theater?

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A: When writing about the new theater, you should call it a “Broadway-style” theater in one paragraph, and a “Broadway-class” theater in the next paragraph, so readers won’t think you’re just repeating yourself.

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Q: What is the difference between a Broadway-class “playhouse,” and a Broadway-class “theatre?”

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A: The same difference between a Broadway-style “playhouse,” and a Broadway-style “theater.

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Q: Why not just call it a “Broadway” theater?

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A: Because Broadway is in New York, and we are in Salt Lake City.

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Q: Why not just call it a “theater,” or if you want to be fancy, a “playhouse?”

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Will you please just drop it, please?

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Q: What’s wrong with the Capitol Theatre and Kingsbury Hall, or even the Pioneer Theatre at the U?

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A: They are not Broadway-class theaters, or even Broadway-style theaters. Nor are they, strictly speaking, “playhouses.”

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Q: But they show Broadway-style plays, don’t they?

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A: Don’t be a spoilsport. Next question.

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Q: Why is the Mormon church so involved in building a Broadway-class playhouse?

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A: Because Prophet, Seer and Revelator Thomas S. Monson is, as Sister Monson revealed to a local paper, a “show-a-holic.”

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Q: Is a show-a-holic sort of like being an alcoholic?

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A: No. It just means President Monson likes to whistle show tunes while he’s doing temple work.

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Q: Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. said it was “an awesome thought” that our great Utah young people will have a “world-class outpost” in which to “elevate their capabilities.” Do you agree?

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A: Gov. Huntsman had been listening to President Monson singing, “There’s No Business Like Show Business” and got kind of carried away

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Q: Is “world-class” the same, different, or about the same as “Broadway-class?”

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A: They are both awesome.

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Q: What is a “chocolate-chip cookie day?”

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A: That is how Presiding Bishop H. (no one knows what the H. stands for) David Burton, his mouth smudged with chocolate, described Thursday, Oct. 16, the day the plans for the world-class, Broadway-class playhouse were announced. Bishop Burton always carries chocolate-chip cookies in his pocket and passes them out to startled strangers on Temple Square.

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Q: What is the “cacophony of life?”

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A: That is what Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. said the Broadway-style downtown playhouse would help people rise above. He had just eaten one of H. (Highness? His Honor? Helen?) David Burton’s chocolate-chip cookies, and may have been experiencing a sugar high.

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Q: What is “cacophony,” anyway?

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A: According to Webster’s, “a bunch of noise.” Cacophony is generally good for a city, since it’s a sign of life. There’s been no cacophony in downtown Salt Lake for quite a while now, so it’s not clear what the governor has in mind. What we need in downtown Salt Lake is more cacophony, not less.

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