Deep End | Last Call: Ingenious cell-phone devices to shut you up fast. 

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Just in time for Christmas comes the perfect stocking stuffer. It is a gizmo that shuts off your cell phone if you try to use it while operating a motor vehicle [“Yes! Anti-teen Technology,” Salt Blog, Dec. 11]. Developed by a Utah urologist now living in Kansas and a professor of civil engineering at the University of Utah, the device fits over your car key and transmits a Bluetooth radio frequency that prevents you from answering or making calls, regardless of whether you use a hand-held or hands-free cell phone. n

Already skeptics are stepping forward to point out flaws in the innovative product. For instance, you can still make or receive emergency calls. As everyone knows, one person’s emergency is another person’s ordinary everyday annoyance. What is an emergency? A coronary occlusion, or intestinal bloating? A race to the hospital or being tardy to work?

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According to Dr. Harriet Felker of the Institute of Automobile Arts, if the cell-phone killer becomes mandatory, we will experience a surge of inventive excuses from diehard cell users. “You think cops hear some beauts from folks trying to get out of speeding tickets, wait till they pull over people blabbing on their phones. Everything from emergency runs to the deli for extra havarti cheese to a run to the podiatrist for relief from plantar warts. Some idiots will declare an emergency if they have to wait for more than fifteen seconds at a stop light.”

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Other critics, of a punitive bent, are of the opinion that the cell-phone killer will not actually address the growing danger of driving while talking or texting on your cell. They contend that other devices now in development promise to be far more effective in eliminating the menace of driving while under the influence of a mobile telephonic instrument, and will eventually corner the market on cell-phone disablers.

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City Weekly has obtained secret documents that detail some of the ingenious devices now being tested both at home and abroad. Keep in mind that many of these devices are still in the experimental stage, but consumers should be optimistic about them being made available to the general public. In no particular order of possible efficacy or eventual cost, here are a few of the most promising devices.

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The Urinator. This gizmo is the brainchild of a physician in Stuttgart, Germany (also, interestingly enough, a urologist, like the inventor of the Utah device), by the name of Dr. Gerhardt Shlonk. Dr. Shlonk’s Urinator is already on the market; when a driver dials a number, or answers a call, radio waves are sent directly to a tiny organ, called the Gebladderspout, which controls urine flow. The Urinator can be pre-set to various levels, causing the recipient or initiator of the phone call to dribble, squirt or completely saturate his or her undergarments. Resourceful users of the product mitigate the effects of the Urinator by arming themselves beforehand with protective underwear.

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The Soil-a-Phone. Technically a misnomer, this product also uses radio waves, albeit of a lower frequency, to induce a total evacuation of the bowels. Still in the testing stages, the Soil-a-Phone may be a few months from appearing on the market, owing to a difficulty in convincing test subjects to participate in experiments.

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The Pro-Phonator. This device, already available in regions of southern Europe, acts almost immediately on the larynx, causing the cell user to direct a torrent of extraordinarily vile profanity toward the innocent party on the other end of the line.

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The Hormonator. Developed in Denmark, this product, which also comes in a version with a vibrating option, transmits signals to certain areas of the anatomy, which in turn stimulate brain regions responsible for invitations of a sexual nature. Unfortunately, Danish scientists didn’t anticipate how wildly popular this device would become, even when equipped with the basic message of “I want to fuck your brains out,” which sounds more lyrical in Danish.

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The Terminator. Said to have been used for years by intelligence agencies all over the world, this device emits a fine mist of deadly gas into the automobile, causing the cell user to aim his or her vehicle toward the nearest tree.

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People who talk or text on their phones in the car may object to legislation that makes any of these products mandatory. Nevertheless, for the good of society as a whole, they might consider making use of them on a voluntarily basis, especially the Terminator.
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D.P. Sorensen writes satire for City Weekly.

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