Eight findings in a recent audit of the Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control:
8. Expensive bottles on the top shelves at State Liquor Stores are filled with rubbing alcohol and “just for show.”
7. As are the bottles on the bottom shelves, “but at those prices, nobody notices.”
6. Closed liquor store buildings have been secretly rented out to host Xtreme Midget Wresting events.
5. The DABC spends thousands of dollars annually on heaters to keep beer warm during winter months.
4. Meandering bums in liquor stores are really actors paid to portray “cautionary tales.”
3. It’s actually not cheaper to light a “Closed” sign for 15 hours rather than an “Open” sign for nine.
2. The $7 million DABC warehouse doesn’t exist; all alcohol is purchased and shipped from Trader Joe’s in Reno.
1. State government is as good at managing booze as they are anything else.