Conservative Irony 

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Enough with all this tortured wailing from those of you who don’t like President Bush. Browse through the letters section of this paper. Wah, wah, wah! You’d think these liberals live in an orphanage or something.

I, for one, am confident that the next four years will be remembered as America’s glory days. Nothing can stop us now. Here’s why.

Our president has proven himself an articulate gentleman ready to listen and compromise. He uses well-turned phrases like “Bring ’em on!” and “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.” Ditto for our vice president, who’s prone to tell colleagues to “go f—k yourself!” It was language of this sort that drew Ohio’s “values” crowd to the polls. What do you expect from the father of a lesbian?

Our president pays close attention to terrorist threats. Vacationing at his Texas ranch, Bush received an Aug. 6, 2001, President’s Daily Brief titled “Bin Ladin Determined to Strike in U.S.” It told him that the FBI had assembled information about “preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks, including recent surveillance of federal buildings in New York.” Today we all know that, as National Security Advisor Dr. Condoleezza Rice said, this was only “historical information based on old reporting.” Think we’d be safer with John Kerry, a traitor to his country, in the White House?

Our president knows how to win the hearts and minds of Muslims and people in the Middle East. Abu Ghraib, together with our indefinite detaining of Guantanamo Bay prisoners without a hearing, were shining examples of U.S. justice. The fact that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld still has his job proves Bush cares more about advancing foreign policy goals and preserving our country’s good name than keeping friends in power. Be grateful that military people like Lt. Gen. William Boykin speak to evangelicals about how Islam is “a spiritual enemy ... called Satan.”

Our president cares about democracy in the Middle East. Why else would we shut down newspapers and ban Al-Jazeera broadcasts inside Iraq? Everyone knows a free press is incompatible with democracy. That’s why Bush holds so few press conferences. As he himself said, “sometimes you have to bypass the filter of the press and go directly to the people.” Little wonder, then, that 70 percent of his supporters believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. Osama who?

Our president knows math. Sex addict Bill Clinton had the gall to leave us with budget surpluses. Bush signed a $400 billion expansion of Medicare, wants $70 billion more for our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and has given us at least a $413 billion deficit by year’s end. With our nation at war, we must make sacrifices. That’s why Bush must make his billions in tax cuts permanent. That way we can increase our projected federal debt, according to the Congressional Budget Office, to $2.2 trillion by 2014. Meanwhile, the dollar’s value plummets as foreigners finance our massive debt. We’ll soon be an economic force equal to Argentina or Albania. Don’t worry about China.

We will be safe from gay marriage. Karl Rove has told us Bush will make good on his promise of a nationwide ban on this epidemic. We know how important this is. As first lady Laura Bush told the Republican National Convention, terrorists hate us “because of our tolerance.” Get rid of tolerance and our problems will be solved.

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