Eight secrets to accurately testing the temperature of beer:
8. Consult registered technicians and use only certified thermometers.
7. Or just buy a box of ‘em from Walmart.
6. Drink two vodka rocks for every one beer to establish a set point.
5. Ask your server if you can sit on the keg for 90 seconds to gauge shrinkage.
4. When testing cans of beer mounted on a helmet, subtract 5 degrees and 40 IQ points.
3. Don’t test inside of a Utah State Liquor Store—wait until you reach the parking lot.
2. Stella Artois and Budweiser are the same beer; one will not test colder or fancier than the other.
1. Make sure a bartender or club owner is screaming in your ear about the irrelevancy of beer temperature the whole time.