8. Chocolates: "Maybe these will shut you up so I can get 30 seconds of peace."
7. Jewelry: "If you hear the occasional 'beep,' it's not a tracking device. Nope ..."
6. A personalized love song: "So, my band is going to be crashing at your place for at least another week."
5. Dinner: "Our love will last longer than this Groupon, which expires Monday."
4. Lingerie: "It looked just OK on my last Tinder hookup, but it'll look fantastic on you."
3. A spa day: "A treament to remove tension, toxins and that giant stick up your ass."
2. A dozen roses: "So sorry about sleeping with your sister."
1. A single rose: "Your sister wasn't that great."