Byway to Hell 

Celebrity Apprentice, Girls Next Door, Rules of Engagement, Reaper, Nip/Tuck

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The Celebrity Apprentice Sunday, March 1 (NBC)
Season Premiere: It’s the men (Clint Black, Andrew Dice Clay, Tom Green, Scott Hamilton, Jesse James, Brian McKnight, Dennis Rodman and Herschel Walker) vs. the women (Annie Duke, Natalie Gulbis, Claudia Jordan, Khloe Kardashian, Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick and Tionne Watkins)! So damned original! How does Donald Trump do it? He’s a freakin’ genius! And these celebrities— wow! Claudia Jordan is a suitcase model on Deal or No Deal! What a coup! My brain is exploding like an overstuffed weasel!

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The Girls Next Door Sunday, March 1 (E!)
Season Finale: Speaking of overstuffed weasels, lower your Dockers’ tent pole to half-mast and say buh-bye to Holly, Bridget and Kendra—they’re too old and boring to hang around the Playboy Mansion anymore with the bones of Hugh Hefner, who’ll be poking his dusty donger at some new Girls come Season 6. But, dry those tears and/ or bodily secretions: Kendra (the retarded one) will be getting her own E! series while the other two are sent off to the glue factory, so you have that to live for.

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Heaven
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Hell
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Starbucks
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Rules of Engagement Monday, March 2 (CBS)
Season Premiere: After months of foisting the oh-so-high-concept Worst Week upon us, CBS finally gets back to what it does best on Monday: Smutty sitcoms with laugh tracks. You’ve got The Big Bang Theory (geeks try to bang the hot blonde next door), How I Met Your Mother (five friends bang each other), Two & a Half Men (Charlie Sheen bangs everything), and now the return of Rules of Engagement (couples talk about banging while David Spade actually does it). CBS: Constantly Banging Someone.

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Reaper Tuesday, March 3 (The CW)
Season Premiere: When last we left Reaper waaay back in May 2008, Sam (whose parents inadvertently sold his soul to the Devil, who now employs Sam as a bounty hunter capturing escapees from hell—yes, it is the most realistic series on The CW) had learned he may be the Devil’s son, and we all just figured the show was canceled. Somehow, Reaper made the network cut and now it’s back … just in time for The CW to put it up against Fox’s popular karaoke show. In the Season 2 premiere, turns out that being the Devil’s kid isn’t all that special—the bastards are everywhere, literally. Plus, Sam, Sock and Ben have been conveniently evicted from their apartment next door to demons, Andi and Sam are on the outs, and Reaper seems to be taking a darker turn all around; without so much comedy, maybe it’ll finally become the Brimstone remake it was meant to be. See, Brimstone was a ’98 Fox show about … never mind. Just watch Reaper while you can.

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Nip/Tuck Tuesday, March 2 (FX)
Season Finale: It’s tempting to declare this the Worst Season Ever, since Nip/Tuck’s Season 5 move from Miami to Hollywood has been dragging on since October 2007 (!) with none of the relocation reinvigoration of, say, Weeds, or even AfterMASH. But, the recent addition of a new wild-child girlfriend for Sean (Battlestar Galactica’s Katee Sackhoff) and terminal cancer for increasingly irrelevant Christian (oh, like you still want him around) hint that this nag just might rally before its set 2011 finale. Let’s all check back in next year, shall we?

Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. More Lyle Waggoner at BillFrost.tv.

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