Bush Needs Underwear-Free Day 

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The temperatures are just astounding. Records are falling like flies with heatstroke.

How hot is it?

To cool down the sweating bodies in the porn czar’s office, Paula Houston has ordered that video machines be turned off—or restricted to “cable version” films—until cooler temperatures prevail over body friction and steamy sex.

It’s so hot that Gov. Mike Leavitt is considering appointing one of his brothers to a new post that would be dubbed “weather czar.” His brother Dane, who is now acting as ex-officio “trout and whirling disease czar” has the inside track, according to sources, because the work of spreading the crippling disease to Utah’s fisheries is almost complete.

It’s so hot that Mayor Rocky Anderson has e-mailed a memo to all city employees indicating that underwear is optional when the mercury climbs into triple digits. Some critics have suggested that Anderson’s liberal skirt is showing. But the mayor rebutted the remark, saying he hasn’t had undergarments on since the Fourth of July. “It’s a nice, breezy feeling. I think everyone should try it,” the mayor said.

Disclaimer: Actually, none of the above are true. But nonetheless, the staff here at SmartBomb thought these items exemplify the discomfort of record-breaking heat. (And we’re sure that Houston, Leavitt and Anderson will take it all in good fun. They are such good sports, aren’t they?)

• But here is something that is true and hot. President Bush and his sidekick, Dick Cheney, might consider the joys of an underwear-free day after taking heat on their dealings at Harken Energy Corp. and Halliburton, also an energy company. Dubya sold his stock for $848,000 just before it tanked. Cheney is worth millions from Halliburton, which overstated its revenues by $445 million from 1999 through 2001.

Those are but two reasons among at least a handful why Wall Street is shriveling like sunburned tomato plants at the president’s challenge to big corporations to clean up their act. But Henry Waxman, the dutiful Democratic congressman from California, thinks he can help. He’s written a letter to the president suggesting in essence that if Bush and Cheney want to look credible, they need only donate those stock earnings to charity.

The White House has not addressed the proposal and Waxman hasn’t turned off the air-conditioning waiting for an answer. Meanwhile, stocks are tanking like the Hindenburg along with the retirements of most Americans who may now have to work till they’re 75.

• Here’s something from our “Where Are They Now?”-file. Lost following the 2000 election is a proposal forwarded by Dubya, among others, that Social Security be invested into the stock market. Funny, we haven’t heard anything about that for a while.

• And finally, this from our “True Love”-bin: The Associated Press reports from Terre Haute, Ind., that Vivian Frazier, 32, has been charged with wrongful French-kissing after transferring two grams of methamphetamine to her inmate groom when they were married recently at the Vigo County Jail. During nuptials, Frazier laid one on new hubby Jeremy Guinther, transferring a packet of drugs from her mouth to his. But it was the guards who were salivating when they noticed a suspicious bulge in his cheek. Busted again.

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