Dear Mexican: I live in a little village in England in a house that’s 200 years old, just down the hill from a tiny church that’s so old that it was actually built before God said “Let there be light.” The only industry around here, apart from digging potatoes and interfering with cows, is the cement factory, and that has been taken over by Mexicans. It used to be Rugby Cement and now it’s CEMEX. Not much changes around here, and people don’t much like change, but there was an expectation that the new management of the cement works might liven the neighborhood up; that mariachi bands would stroll the streets; that burros would appear, ridden by sleeping guys in sombreros; that shouts of “Andalay! Andalay! Arriva! Arriva!” would be heard as executives settled their budgets.
None of this has come to pass. In fact, no Mexicans have been seen in the village at all. Is CEMEX an illusion? Or are the Mexican managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo brains from scooped-out human skulls? —Baron Botolpho Winkletje van der Griezels
Dear Limey: Isn’t it great that the Reconquista is now global, and that American stereotypes of Mexicans easily crossed the pond? But, yes: CEMEX (a syllabic abbreviation of the company’s original name, Cementos Mexicanos) is one of the world’s largest cement companies, born and headquartered in the city of Monterrey. Other Mexican corporations with worldwide reach include Grupo Bimbo (bread makers), Televisa (creators of telenovelas) and the Mexican Nalga Fund.
Dear Mexican: Why do white Americans buy into this Reconquista bull? I believe that these babosos talk about it more than Mexicans do. I have yet to meet a Mexican who is part of this “movement.” Every Mexican I know has come to America to work, seek a better life, and buy a Chevy Tahoe. I guarantee you that if any white American actually asked a Mexican about the Reconquista, the Mexican would respond, “Que que?” I was born and raised in San Antonio, served my lovely country in the U.S. Army (2003-08), and now live as a disabled vet in Denver. My parents were from Zacatecas and Jalisco. I asked them about the Reconquista and got the same response: “Dejate de pendejadas.”
So, gabachos, when you come to Ask a Mexican! to ask stupid questions, consider this: Most immigrants go through hell and high water to come to America. Why would they even want to reclaim the Southwest back for Mexico? You think they would want to travel an additional 800 miles to come to America? But back to my original question: why do gabachos buy into this anti-Mexican bull when they have way bigger things to worry about? We are not the American-wayhating race. —El Sargento
Dear Sargeant: Primeramente, gracias for your service. Secondly, to our Know Nothing audience: Cut out this letter, staple it to your foreheads without anesthesia, and get it through your thick heads that this is the reality of the Reconquista—especially the Tahoe part. Finally: why do they believe this, Sargento? Por pendejos. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to add serranos to your stuffing!