Bowled Over 

Game-day eats were never more shaped like a stadium.

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Utah company develops a reusable food bowl in the shape and image of LaVell Edwards Stadium. —Headline in Money section of The Salt Lake Tribune, Sept. 6, 2013.

The first time I read that headline, I thought it was talking about a reusable food bowl in the shape and image of LaVell Edwards, and I said to myself, “At last, a really new idea!” I couldn’t wait to hie myself down to Provo and pick up one of those LaVell Edwards food bowls, which in its original incarnation would contain “five ounces of Dippin’ Dots Ice Cream.”

Even though it would cost twice as much ($8) as a plain bowl, it was an amazing bargain. But wait, there was more! The LaVell Edwards reusable food bowl was not only reusable, but also “hand-washable!” And it would make a nifty “game-day souvenir!” The result of “two years of research and development,” the LaVell food bowl was constructed of “recyclable plastic” and created by a “state of the art inkjet printer!”

But wait! There was more! The innovative masterminds behind the LaVell food bowl soon would be introducing a LaVell bowl of monstrous proportions, a full 14 ounces to hold nachos and cheese! The article did not specify whether or not the food bowl was in the shape and image of the legendary LaVell’s head, torso or full body, but nevertheless! Even if it were just LaVell’s head, you could easily imagine the steaming cheese inside that spacious nose, or maybe the jutting jaw, or maybe both.

In either case, you would have plenty of hot cheese to dip into.

I fell into a deep depression when I realized my mistake. The food bowl was in the image and shape of LaVell Edwards Stadium, not in the image and shape of the great man himself. It seemed to me, and still seems to me, that a wonderful opportunity had been squandered.

Why stop with food bowls in the image and shape of LaVell Edwards? Why not memorialize other local athletic legends with their own reusable and hand-washable food bowls? Speaking just for myself, I would love to have a Cobb salad food bowl in the image and shape of the inimitable Karl Malone, who famously enjoyed the aforesaid salad before a game.

Local politicians would certainly like to get on board with food bowls in their image and/or shape. In the case of our senior senator, the Honorable Orrin Hatch, we could substitute a beverage container, knowing of his strict regimen of health drinks. And in the strange case of Mitt Romney, who has slinked into the shadows of public awareness, a food bowl in his shape and likeness (with him wearing his trademark beret) might resurrect his career. Maybe peanut butter, cottage cheese or, his favorite, the very smelly Camembert.

According to the article in the Trib, those Provo entrepreneurs who came up with the LaVell Edwards Stadium food bowls, hand-washable and reusable, will soon be making food bowls in the shape of other stadiums, which certainly makes sense, in a boring kind of way. For a small fee, they are welcome to my idea of making food and beverage containers in the image and shape of local personages.

But perhaps they have already gotten another idea for their recyclable plastic business from an advertisement in the same section of the newspaper that carried the article about their food bowls. Entitled “What Adult Diaper Companies Don’t Want Men to Know,” the ad presented the case for an external device to combat incontinence. The reader did not have to go to the website to conclude that the device was some sort of attachable container to collect wayward liquid wastes.

On the chance that the recycled plastics entrepreneurs missed the ad, I offer, this time for free, an idea that, with the aging population, is sure to be a moneymaker, on a scale much bigger than their plastic food bowls. With their state of the art technology, the Provo guys could get into the incontinence-containment business, molding liquid-waste collection devices, hand-washable and reusable, in the image and shape of appropriate personages.

Since it is a very private matter, users should be allowed considerable latitude in their choice of personages, and the manufacturers would be wise to offer a wide selection of males, females, Republicans, Democrats, living luminaries or historical figures. Best of all, each personage would make a nice game-day souvenir. 

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