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You, Sir, Are No Evel Knievel


09/01/06, 21:33, Motorcycle Accident, 960 S. Jefferson St.


“The victim had just left the Port O’ Call [a downtown bar] and was riding his motorcycle southbound on West Temple. He was being followed by a friend. According to the friend, the victim took the turn that goes from West Temple to Jefferson St. at about 35 mph. The victim hit the concrete barrier, which caused him to fly up and hit his head on the overpass abutment. The victim was not wearing a helmet. He was transported to the hospital in very serious condition.”


Time Will Tell


08/31/06, 08:00 – 12:00, Presidential Visit, Downtown


“President Bush’s visit to Salt Lake was handled by units of this department, the Highway Patrol, the Salt Lake County Sheriff’s Office and the Secret Service. Despite traffic inconveniences, the visit was uneventful for law enforcement and citizens alike.nn

Though visits by Bush, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld were uneventful by law enforcement standards, they marked a sea change in the administration’s midterm election pitch for open-ended Middle East chaos. Realizing the Iraq war is about as popular as an Aussie-killing stingray, in remarks to the American Legion, the administration packed up its ill-conceived Iraq war for a ride in the Wayback Machine. Destination: Any war but this one. And so it was that Bush, Rummy and Rice invoked more palatable conflicts, equating Islamic terrorists to Nazis and fascists, and with Rice even giving Lincoln an attaboy for making lemonade out of his bloody war. And don’t forget it took 50 years of “steadfastness” to bring the Soviet Union to its knees, Rice noted, submitting that “one day” people will similarly thank the United States for staying the course in Iraq.


If only the administration’s irascible turd-polishers thought to set the time machine for March 18, 2003, the eve of the Iraq invasion. No specious war, no specious historical analogies.


Tuned Out


08/31/6, 10:00, Burglary, near 1500 South and Lincoln St.


“The officer was dispatched on two male Hispanic adults seen hiding a big-screen plasma TV in the weeds in an alley. The Watch Commander responded to assist and observed a suspicious car pull up to the alley and stop. The driver immediately sped off when she saw the officers. Assisting officers were just arriving and followed the fleeing vehicle. The passenger was a person of interest and follow-up on their story proved it to be false. Meanwhile, the resident of the listed address approached officers and reported her burglary. Examination of the scene found footprint evidence, which matched the pattern on [the 24-year-old male suspect’s] shoes. Consent searches turned up stolen property at [the suspect’s] house and he went to jail.nn

It’s a mixed bag for these banditos. With consumers insisting on bigger, pricier home theaters, it follows that filching the same carries a better payday. But it also follows that the tools of criminal enterprise must keep up. Hence, precious time was lost as the burglars pondered in vain how to jam super-size plunder into an ordinary getaway car.


Clued In


08/30/06, 08:32, Robbery/Kidnapping, 400 E. 700 South


“The officer was stopped at the stop sign at this location when the victim pulled right up to the front of her car, jumped out and pointed at the passenger in the front of his car and declared that the person had kidnapped him. The victim’s bloody face seemed to lend credence to the story. [A 21-year-old male suspect] was taken into custody and had the victim’s wallet in his lap. He was charged with Robbery and Kidnapping.”

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About The Author

Shane Johnson

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