I must admit: When it comes to the vagina, I have very little expertise.
Less than most men, actually. I've only ever seen two vaginas up close, and I have no memory of the first one, seeing as how at the time I was busy being traumatically and forcefully extruded out of it. And at any rate, as a newborn baby, my brain was not yet sufficiently equipped to properly decode visual data or form any lasting memories of the event. Which, come to think of it, is probably a lucky thing for me.
I encountered my second vagina during an experimental phase in my freewheeling early-20s, by which time my brain had developed to an extent where its tireless processing of visual data and insistent formation of lasting memories had become unavoidable without the blessed, dulling balm of alcohol.
Vagina No. 2 belonged to my kind, patient friend Cassie. As vaginas go, I suppose hers was very nice, really. But, you know -- meh. I had realized years before that I am irrevocably, unshakably homosexual. Cassie, bless her, had never known me as anything else. But, one crazy, enchanted evening, together Cassie and I decided that the vagina, like Mount Rushmore or Las Vegas, was a destination everybody should experience at least once in a lifetime -- if for no other reason than its camp value.
And I was grateful for the opportunity even though, afterward, I never felt any inclination for a return visit. I had Been There, and that was the important thing. It wasn't until several days later that I realized that the experience had permanently and forever deducted a full point from my Kinsey Scale score, which was thereafter reduced from a perfect Kinsey 6 to a mere Kinsey 5.
But, never mind. What's done is done.
So, it is with limited authority that I may speak on this day of all days, June 30 -- deemed National Vagina Day by the ever-inventive Facebook community.
FACTS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT VAGINAS
* Vaginas are not unusual or rare. Fully half the world's humans are in possession of their own vaginas. This places the sum total of worldwide vaginas in excess of 3.4 billion -- which, in my opinion, is more than enough.
* The other half of the world's human population is vagina-less. A large percentage of these people, however, exhibit a near-obsessive fascination with the vagina.
* The word "vagina" is a noun.
* The English language possesses many, many venerable words that mean the same thing as "vagina." Most of these synonyms, however, are colloquial and considered vulgar and offensive.
* By the age of 12, even the dullest schoolchild is well acquainted with every one of these colloquialisms.
* In polite company, the vagina rarely arises as a necessary topic of conversation, except in romantic poetry and certain modes of architectural criticism.
* However, on those few occasions when it does become necessary to address the vagina, the polite conversationalist is advised to avoid the well-known litany of schoolchild colloquialisms. The proper, most accurate and best term is "vagina."
* On these occasions, it is good form for the speaker to pronounce the word "vagina" clearly, while avoiding undue emphasis, and without whispering, flinching, blushing or giggling.
* Recently, women's health issues have become a topic for political debate. During these debates, the vagina has arisen as a necessary topic.
* Obviously, no responsible, intelligent state legislator would ever propose a law to regulate something he or she is incapable of describing.
* Therefore, there must exist some other word in the English language that means the same thing as "vagina" but can be mentioned in the presence of Republican state legislators without sending the entire debate into a tailspin of pretended shame and disgust.
* It's unclear what this word might be. Taking a cue from American author Tom Robbins, one might suggest a cheerful euphemism such as "coochie-snortcher" or "peachfish," but it's doubtful that either would stand for long on the American political stage.
* There's a chance that all this legislative shame and disgust is not pretended, but real. In this case, Republican state legislators are busy trying to pass laws regulating something they can't even talk about -- and thus can never fully understand.
* If that's what they're trying to do, they're idiots.
Brandon's Big Gay Blog