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Brandon's Big Gay Blog

Poll Position: Trib Survey on Candidates' Religions

by Brandon Burt
Posted // 2011-12-21 -

[Ring, ring. Click.] Hello?

Hello, this is Jessica calling from The Salt Lake Tribune. Would you like to participate in a survey about political candidates' religious preferences?

Um, well, OK. Sure.

Thank you for your cooperation. Now, first, how important is it to you that a candidate is Christian: A. very important, B. somewhat important, C. not too important, D. not at all important or E. not sure?

Actually, I'd strongly prefer a candidate who isn't Christian.

I'm sorry, sir or madam. You should know by now that a non-Christian candidate is never an option in American politics. Plus, there's no checkbox for that on my computer.

I just mean, I'd prefer to elect representatives who make decisions based on rationality and science rather than a 2,000-year-old collection of Middle-Eastern nomadic tribal laws and folklore.

I'll just put down "C. not too important."

Wait, what? But this is important to me!

All righty, then. "A. very important." Next question: Do you consider Mormons to be Christian: A. yes, B. no or C. not sure?

I guess I'd have to say, "D. why is it any of my business whether they consider themselves Christian or not?" I mean, it's up to them, really.

I'm sorry, sir or madam, but I’m going to have to ask you again to stick to the predetermined choices we have selected. This question involves many complex issues, such as the Apostolic Succession, adherence to the canonical gospels, and so on. Please answer yes or no. Or not sure.

[Sigh.] Do the Mormons consider themselves Christians?

Certainly they do. That's the whole problem.

OK. Whatever. Just put that down, then. Yes.

Do you mean yes "yes," or yes "not sure"?

Yes, I said yes. I don't care.

I'll just put down "not sure," then.

Fine. OK. Do whatever you want. [Click.]

Hello? Hello? Are you there, sir or madam? Hello?

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