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Brandon's Big Gay Blog

Onions: The New Aphrodisiac?

by Brandon Burt
Posted // 2011-07-09 -

Frankly, it had never before occurred to me that onions could be sexy.

In fact, because of their breath-intensifying properties, I'd always been led to believe quite the opposite: When it comes to love, onions are a liability. Despite the fact that onions are delicious, and their concentric morphology makes them fun to chop, they should be avoided until after the third date, at least. (Even then, they must be consumed in tandem by both dating parties -- nothing spells trouble for a budding romance like an onion-breath imbalance!)

But notices in City Weekly's online classifieds might debunk the traditional wisdom that onions make enemies of lovers. Two recent "I Saw You" ads prominently feature onions:

WHOLE FOODS PRODUCE HUNK Sugarhouse Whole Foods, you work in produce. Our eyes locked by the onions and you asked if I needed help finding anything, foolishly, I said no...Hope our paths cross again soon so I can answer yes next time!

PRODUCE QUEEN I was just a man. You were just a woman. But that day, when we both reached for the big white onion $.79/ea, we became more. The flaky yet smooth surface of the vegetable seemed to vicariously connect our souls, like some kind of delicious salad-friendly high-tension power line. I remember the artificial sound of thunder as the water sprayers gave in to the moment's palpible feeling of lust, excreting a torrential downpour on the nearby indigenous lettuce heads. At that moment, I SAW you. And now I want to explore all your produce fantasies. The way you stroked that carrot, reminiscent of the growing presence below, made me wonder what else could be in store for us in the future, perhaps in the deli section. Whenever I cry from cutting onions, I will now be crying of my longing for you.

I'm a romantic at heart, so I really do hope these ads result in joyful hookups for all concerned. Some part of me even hopes these two ads were inspired by the same fleeting oniony encounter. (The "artificial sound of thunder" suggests Smith's Marketplace, but it's been awhile since I've shopped at Whole Foods in Sugar House -- as far as I know, the thunderstorm sounds could be standard issue in every decent produce department these days.)

In particular, I love the torrid prose of the "Produce Queen" ad: "At that moment, I SAW you. And now I want to explore all your produce fantasies."

Sigh. Who says romance is dead?

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REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // July 10,2011 at 13:09 Your romanticism brought, your know ... tears to my eyes. But then, so do onions.

 

 
 
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