When your town is listed as the least fun town in the country, as Provo recently was by Portfolio.com, it's a curious thing when the city mayor sets out to prove Portfolio's point. Mayor John Curtis has announced how he is going to celebrate his birthday on May 7 to show Portfolio -- and all naysayers -- the sober good times that are possible in P-town. Here's his schedule:
7 a.m. at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center wellness screening
8 a.m. at Food and Care Coalition to flip pancakes and help serve breakfast to patrons.
9 a.m. Provo’s Mayors’ Prayer Breakfast to participate in the annual patriotic program.
10:30 a.m. at The Peaks Arena to don hockey gear and demonstrate a series of hockey skills in less than 50 seconds.
NoonHugh O’Brien Youth Leadership Seminar, Aspen Grove, to give a 15-minute speech to youth, then slip in some snow skiing.
1:30 p.m. Provo Towne Centre to jump 50 times on a bungee trampoline.
2 p.m. BYU Lavell Edwards Stadium, Gate 5, to throw 50 football passes to BYU mascot Cosmo.
3 p.m. Provo City Library to read 50 pages from picture books to children gathered for storytime and fold 50 copies of a new booklist featuring recommendations by community leaders.
4 p.m. Utah Lake to waterski in the lake.
5 p.m. A motorcycle ride to Sundance and back.
6:30 p.m. Provo School District Foundation’s Evening of Excellence to recognize outstanding Provo City School District teachers.
“We invite everyone to try our brand of fun,” stated Curtis.“You won’t wake up with a hangover, and you’ll have money in your wallet.”
Sorry, Mr. Mayor, but we'd wake up with a hangover from overexertion plus maxed-out credit cards after arranging all the ski & sea Amazing Race-type activities. Let's just say our carbon footprint would have blisters on it.
And bear in mind, Mr. Frugal, any self-respecting birthday trip to Sundance would have to include dinner at the Tree Room, followed by some live musical entertainment at the Owl Bar. Don't tell us you just use their bathroom and walk out the door! Tres poor form!
Aren't mayors supposed to tout their community's cultural and shopping offerings? Even we know that Provo's got The Covey Center for the Arts, BYU's Museum of Art, a bucketful of decent BYU theater and dance offerings and good old historic downtown Provo. Gotta be some kind of fun there.
Among its eateries, Provo's got Communal, Ottavio's, the Brick Oven and Rooster Dumpling and Noodle Bar. And yep, there are a few stalwart music venues like Velour as well as a handful of comedy joints. And on the cheap, you can hike to Timpanogos Cave, Cascade Springs and Bridal Veil Falls; fish on the Provo River; and climb in Rock Canyon. And we're still not drunk.
Dammit, don't make us come down there and show you how to have a good time.