The first serious GOP presidential debate is on in New Hampshire tonight and that means it's time to get seriously hammered. Here are some recommendations.
Healthcare is going to be a talking point where you’re really going to get your drink on for tonight's debate that starts at 6 p.m. Rocky Mountain Standard Time. Especially since the two biggest targets for the debates are likely to be President Obama and Mitt Romney—and both will be punching bags for their individual-mandate health insurance reforms.
“Obamacare”= beer sip
“Romneycare”= take a shot
“Obamneycare”= pound a boilermaker and belch “T-Paw!” to credit the former Minnesota Governor for breeding the pejoratives “Romneycare” with “Obamacare.”
Those are the wild cards. Now for more candidate-specific cues for booze:
“Prosperity” = beer sip
“Flat tax” = beer chug
“Radical” = shoot some hard rotgut to commemorate Newt’s buzzword he once used against Democratic foes, and then gut-shot his own campaign with, by using it to describe the Republican budget plan proposed by Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wisconsin.
Tim Pawlenty, former Minnesota governor
“Market-based” = beer sip
“Obamneycare”= (see above)
“Time to tell the truth” or “…tell it like it is”= down a cheap shot of whiskey and then take a cheap shot at a Romney or Obama supporter (sucker punch to the ear, wedgie, etc.) in honor of Pawlenty’s campaign slogan aimed at casting him as a straight-talking politician unlike President Obama or GOP favorite Mitt “flip-flop” Romney.
Herman Cain, CEO of Godfather’s Pizza
“Common sense”= beer sip
“Loyalty test”= shoot some tequila if Cain mentions his loyalty-test idea for Muslim-Americans
“Kenya”= shoot straight scotch if Cain references Obama’s unauthentic Blackness by pointing out the president was “raised in Kenya.”
“Common sense” plus any of the above= shoot tequila and scotch and pound your beer if Cain demonstrates his bat-shit-fucking lunacy by uttering “common sense” in conjunction with any of his other prominent talking points. Then vomit profusely.
Also, if you are a Cain supporter, feel free to chase the drinks by eating the shot glass.
Michelle Bachman, R-Minnesota
“Rebound”= beer sip in honor of Bachman’s bill meant to recall stimulus funding.
“All of the Above”= in honor of Bachman’s bill to develop all energy options, shoot your cheapest blended whiskey.
“Carbon dioxide” = If Bachman repeats a line she made in 2009 to say that carbon dioxide is a “natural” byproduct that is “harmless” to the environment, seek out the party glass or half-empty beer can that is chock full of cigarette butts and drink enthusiastically since is it is a harmless and natural byproduct of any serious drinking environment.
Ron Paul, R-Texas “Gold standard”= chug a golden ale if the Libertarian from Texas mentions reverting to the gold standard, or for alcoholics or latecomers looking to catch up, take a shot of Cuervo Gold.
“Income tax”= take a shot of your preferred spirit if Paul mentions abolishing the income tax (bottom or top shelf, depending on your personal bracket).
“Legalization” = Partake in a Caddyshack-style Cannonball if the good congressman mentions legalizing marijuana or ending the drug war.
Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania senator
“Coddling”= beer chug if Santorum invokes the image of Obama giving foreign enemies a big hug.
“Traditional”= take a shot if the good candidate preaches the need to maintain traditional marriage and outlaw abortions. “Constitutional ban”= mix Everclear with wine and drink righteously if the godly candidate calls for a constitutional ban on gay marriage. (Be careful not to wobble from your high horse, or bar stool, as the case may be).
Mitt Romney, former Massachusetts governor
“Jobs” =sip beer
“Jobs” said more than once in one sentence = one beer chug per mention of “Jobs”
“I did what was right for my state”= If this counter is heard in response to a “Romneycare”jab from one of the other debaters, shoot some Wild Turkey, then grab your empty beer bottle that resulted from Romney’s “jobs”-jabber and break it over the head of a supporter of the offending party.
Please drink and enjoy the GOP debates responsibly.