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Music Blog

Why not spend the night of the Mayan apocalypse at a bar?

by Austen Diamond
- Posted // 2012-12-19 - The end of the world is coming, so which bar will you be at when the lights go out? You couldn’t possibly want to spend this night with your loved ones or on your knees making amends. So, here’s the rundown of Apocalypse parties.

Don’t forget to tip your bartenders. Seriously, if the world is going to end, don’t be a dick. That said, why not lay down the debit card and go to town, right? ... Or, better yet, why are bars even charging a cover?

Let’s say that the Mayan calendar truly does come to an end -- and not repeat, like the modern Gregorian calendar that we use -- and this end of times prophecy comes to fruition. No one really knows what it will look like. Maybe it’ll be a zombie apocalypse (especially since zombies are in right now) or maybe the lights will all just go out on the universe, but my favorite doomsday fears include: Ryan Gosling destroying all female life forms on the planet so nothing can populate, Planet X crashing into us and the “pole dancing” theory -- which, I think, involves strippers.

But you don’t need an astrophysicist to tell you that the world, in fact, won’t end. It’s most likely a hoax created by the Association of Dive Bars of America to attract patrons and have an excuse to get wasted. And that conspiracy theory, my friends, City Weekly can totally get behind that -- and support, even.

You, obviously, want to spend your last few precious human hours at a bar (like when they go to the Winchester Bar in Shaun of the Dead) -- and fulfill all of your last hedonistic urges and fantasies. Luckily, Salt Lake City has plenty of options for ya. And, either way, it's going to be a sweet night.

But first, here’s this:

City Weekly staff picks for your end of the world survival pack:
backpack full of cocaine
bottle of whiskey
samurai sword (not from Sky Mall)
wet stone
lip balm
condoms
strawberry lube
grappling hook and rope
smoke bombs
beef jerky
a bad-ass leather jacket (duster recommended)

Your portal to oblivion (note: these are the Mayan-themed events tonight, not all events):

End of the World Party with Herban Empire @ A Bar Named Sue, 3928 Highland Dr., 9 p.m.,

Bohemian Revolution @ Bar Deluxe, 666 S. State, 9 p.m.,

Party Like It’s Your Last: Sagittarius Party @ Barbary Coast, 4242 S. State, 9 p.m.

BassMint Pros Record/Cassette Release Show @ Brewskis, 244 25th St., Ogden, 9 p.m., $5

Enjoy the Safety of the Underground at this End of the World Karaoke Party @ Bourbon House, 19 E. 200 South, 10 p.m.

Snoop Dogg, Pac Div @ The Depot, 400 W. South Temple, 8 p.m., $50 in advance, $55 day of show

End of the World Party with The Hollow Earth Conspiracy @ The Deerhunter Pub, Spanish Fork, 2000 N. 300 West, 9 p.m.

Roll the Bones plays Rush’s 2112 @ Fat’s Grill, 2182 S. Highland Dr., 9 p.m.

Ugly Sweater Party feat. DJ Gawel, VJ Birdman @ Gracie’s, 326 S. West Temple, 9 p.m.

End of the World Party @ Habits, 832 E. 3900 South, 9 p.m.,

End of the World Mayan Party hosted by Greek Knights @ Lumpy’s Downtown, 145 Pierpont Ave., 9 p.m.

Adventure Club @ Park City Live, 427 Main, 9 p.m., $20

Coreshot Apocalypse Party @ Piper Down, 1492 S. State, 9:30 p.m.,

The End of Days Party with DJ Erocklypse @ Oscar’s Social Club, 8136 S. State, 9 p.m.,

Pat Maine & Emerson Kennedy CD Release @ The Urban Lounge, 241 S. 500 East, 9 p.m., $10

End of the World Party @ Wasted Space, 342 S. State, 9 p.m.

Mayan Apocalypse Celebration @ The Westerner, 3360 S. Redwood Road, 9 p.m.,

Armageddit-On: Float the Boat, Sugartown Alley, The Blue Zen Band @ The Woodshed, 60 E. 800 South

Stir Fridays: End Of The World with Flash & Flare & Nightfreq @ Zest Kitchen & Bar,275 S. 200 West, 8 p.m., $5

For a comprehensive list of other activities on Dec. 21, go here.

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