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Brandon's Big Gay Blog

Elder Hafen's Promise of Resurrection-Day Tumescence

by Brandon Burt
- Posted // 2009-09-22 -
Worried that there's a touch of "the gay" in your genes?

Well, you can put your mind at rest: Despite what the so-called "scientific establishment" such as the American Psychological Association might say, according to Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the LDS Quorum of the Seventies, sexual orientation is not genetically determined. So, if you're one of those gays who are chagrined, sorely vexed and tormented by a desire to join the proud and wholesome ranks of the heterosexuals, all you've got to do is "remain faithful" (i.e. live a sad half-life of celibacy among homophobes). Then, on Resurrection Morning, you will rise up triumphantly--as will your naughty bits, in response to what Hafen calls "normal attractions for the opposite sex."

Hafen says the miracle could happen "maybe even before then"--but if it doesn't, don't despair: All you've got to do is wait for this Resurrection Day transformation. And what a transformation it will be!

Picture the scene: The glorious sound of The Angel of Resurrection's trumpet reverberates throughout all the nations as the Earth opens up, disgorging all manner of righteous folk in their perfect physical forms. (In short, there are a lot of hotties springing up from out of the ground!)

Among these fortunate people, let's picture Brother Percy Dovetonsils. In life, Percy was one of those suspiciously unmarried ward clerks who made the other members feel--well, a little uneasy. So the only time he received any social invitations was when some well-meaning bishop made it part of a fellowshipping service project.

In the privacy of his modest apartment, Percy may have had a secret taste for men's bodybuilding publications. But his collection never grew very large because, in periodic fits of shame and repentance, he burned his magazine collection. And, since it happened to be during one such remorseful season in 1964 that he met his untimely death in a freak poached-egg accident, Percy expired with an untroubled conscience--which is why he is fortunate enough to participate in this Resurrection Morning's events.

And look at him! Gone are the thick eyeglasses, the defeated posture, the hopelessly resigned countenance and darting gaze. Now, rising up out of the soil in all his glory, comes Percy--an Adonis. And, springing up all around are other righteous men and women in perfect, unblemished, gym-toned physical form.

resurrection.jpgHe stands all amazed at the spectacle--who wouldn't?--and, yet, as his eyes pass from one desirable male to another as they come popping out of the sod, he feels nothing but a sense of wellbeing and chaste camaraderie. Even the sight of Brother Forsgren--a sugarbeet farmer whose massive shoulders and solid frame were, let's face it, pretty impressive even in mortal life--fails to produce so much as a stir in Percy's new, impeccably proportioned loins.

It is only when his gaze settles upon those ideally built Sisters that--sproing!--he, at last, receives his profound reward for choosing a life of righteous shame and self-denial. While looking at a woman, Percy sprouts a boner!

Yes, Hafen's promise of a big, throbbing erection, not in response to those physique magazines, but as part of Percy's brand-new "normal attractions of the opposite sex," will serve Percy well during throughout eternity. Joyously, he realizes that the earthly existence he chose--lonely, celibate and surrounded by people whose cruel discussions about those awful homosexual perverts always seemed to occur whenever Percy was within earshot--was a small price to pay after all.
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Posted // January 30,2010 at 00:39

There is growing scientific evidence, such as differences in brain scans, that scares the hell out of the "churchified". Also they should know from their extensive genealogy, that it often runs in families.

In at least one published case, a 32 year old LDS gay man followed everything that was asked by his leaders, including fasting, prayer, complete celibacy, filling callings, receiving Priesthood blessings, etc. The result? He had been promised by even top most leaders of the Church at the time, that his desires would be removed. In such personal anguish and self-doubt, probably more "Mormon worthy" than most of those leaders, he committed suicide.

I'd love to hear Elder Hafen address that! The Church continues to deny the suicide rate in Utah, even as now, they are trying to deny the electroshock "therapy" secretly conducted by the Church--both before and after saying they'd quit--again completely against the standards and practices of the APA!

Momatella-tired of the cover-ups, secrecy, and lies!


Posted // September 24,2009 at 03:49

Hayduke: People who are willing to spread hate in the name of God are always going on about how clever this devil of theirs is at deceiving people--and it gives me chills how right they are about themselves.

LOL @ Eric.


Posted // September 22,2009 at 15:07

I work up one morning, looked in the mirror and thought, "I feel pretty."

Elder Hafen must be right.


Posted // September 22,2009 at 14:09

During his little speech, Hafen refers the to Father of Lies. I suspect, considering all the bullshit he promised via his religion, that Hafen knows all about lies. Takes one to know one, pencilneck!