The Neighbors (ABC) Series Debut: ABC has been on such a hot streak with smart comedies (Modern Family, Happy Endings, Suburgatory, Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23) that it’s easy to forgive the air balls (Last Man Standing, the cancellation of Cougar Town, the national tragedy of Work It). But The Neighbors is a whole new breed of lawn turd: The Weavers (previously employable comic actors Lenny Venito and Jami Gertz) move to the New Jersey suburbs and soon learn that everybody else in the ’hood are, here’s the “wacky” twist, aliens. Not so much a reverse 3rd Rock from the Sun as a military-grade torture device—don’t forget to flip the channel after Modern Family or you’ll slide right into this shit.
Criminal Minds (CBS) Season Premiere: The best procedural on CBS—and TV as a whole, really—returns for Season 8, sadly without Agent Prentiss (Paget Brewster). Replacement Alex Blake (Big Love’s Jeanne Tripplehorn) may eventually prove herself, but the BAU team has to jump right in on the case of The Silencer, a killer who first sews the mouths of his victims shut. Happy first day on the job, Alex!
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Season Premiere: Oh, here’s Paget Brewster, going right up against her old CBS pals with a guest spot on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s Season 14 opener—not cool, Prentiss.
Also new tonight:
The Middle, Modern Family: Season Premieres (ABC); Survivor, CSI: Season Premiere (CBS); Animal Practice, Guys With Kids (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); Oh Sit! (The CW); Storage Wars Texas, American Hoggers (A&E); Toy Hunter (Travel); Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Top Chef Masters (Bravo); Auction Hunters (Spike); The Soup (E!); South Park, Key & Peele (Comedy Central)