Guys With Kids (NBC) Series Debut: Anthony Anderson got so screwed when NBC canceled Law & Order: Original Recipe in 2010: His partner (Jeremy Sisto) went on to ABC’s cool Suburgatory, while he’s stuck on the drowning Peacock with … this shit. You know every last poopoo-caca baby joke Guys With Kids squirts in your general direction, but they’re all somehow fresh to exec producer Jimmy Fallon(!) and creatives who’ve done time on The Office, American Dad, 30 Rock and Modern Family(!!). To quote the baby who had the Xtreme Toddler Wrap at Taco Bell, “Is that smell coming from me?” Yes, yes it is.
The X Factor (Fox) Season Premiere: Striving to differentiate itself from American Idol, The Voice and karaoke night in the mental ward, the second season of The X Factor features absolutely zero judges who can actually sing—well played, Simon Cowell. Joining Capt. V-Neck this year are Britney Spears, Demi Lovato and returning not-Randy L.A. Reid, and, yes, they’re still allowing groups. Quick: Name last season’s X Factor winner. Exactly.
Damages (DirecTV) Series Finale: The legal (psycho)drama’s five-season journey comes to end tonight, and the final showdown between lady lawyers Patty (Glenn Close) and Ellen (Rose Byrne) is sure to be a motherfucker—but who’s going to survive it? It’s not looking good for Ellen and her snap-on hair …
Also new tonight:
Big Brother (CBS); America’s Got (No) Talent (NBC); Oh Sit! (The CW); Storage Wars Texas, American Hoggers (A&E); Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Top Chef Masters (Bravo); Auction Hunters (Spike); The Real World: St. Thomas Finale (MTV); Royal Pains (USA); The Soup (E!)