What’s new tonight:
CSI (CBS) When was the last time you heard any buzz about good ol’ CSI? This series used to be the gritty-slick model of the forensic-crime drama; these days, it’s like The Love Boat with dead bodies. Topping last year’s idiotic stunt episode with country band Rascal Flatts (who, unfortunately, survived on the show and in real life), tonight CSI serves up the bloated visage of Carrot Top as “Carrot Top.” Somewhere, Grissom is laughing his ass off.
Wipeout (ABC) Season Premiere: Dumb, fat people getting bashed around by giant styrofoam balls and dumped into drowning-level water? I just imagine they’re all People’s Choice voters and everything’s great!
Ace of Cakes (Food Network) Season Premiere: The 10th and final season of Ace of Cakes kicks off tonight with cakes for the U.S. Open and Motorweek magazine, as well as some ‘80s flashbacks for the Charm City Cakes crew. Word has it that the Food Network has some new show ideas for Duff Goldman (c’mon, TLC just gave that Cake Boss assclown another show—and it didn’t take five years), but what will become of Elena? I gotta know!
Jersey Shore (MTV) Season Premiere: They’re back on the actual Jersey Shore, with a new house guest replacing Deena replacing Angelina. Sadly, it’s not our own Deena Marie, but a pal of Snooki’s that the gang of course has no idea is coming aboard. Riiight. They’re going to be totally surprised. And you’re totally going to watch.
Also new tonight:
Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Shit ‘Merica Likes, The Mentalist (CBS); Million Dollar Money Drop (Fox); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo)
Preview: It’s a new season full of fascinating character development and valuable life lessons learned on Jersey Shore … riiight.