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The Secret Handshake

That Time I Was Cursed By An Internet Shaman

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2012-10-19 -

I don’t believe in any of that witchcraft mumbo-jumbo junk, but this morning I woke up with a stiff neck of unholy proportions. I’m talking supernatural stiff. Like, I can’t look to the right because I have a bad case of taco-neck kind of stiff. Any person with a hint of common sense would say it’s from sleeping on it wrong. But I’ll have you know I have a memory-foam mattress, meaning I sleep like a stoic statue surrounded by contoured foam. In all honesty, I have this haunting feeling it’s because I trolled an Internet con man and he turned out to be a goddamned voodoo shaman.

You see, yesterday, I was perusing the Internet and stumbled on a post in Salt Lake City’s Craigslist entitled, “Voodoo Specialist.” The original post listed 20 spells that the shaman could perform including getting your scam money back, bringing back lost lovers, getting a promotion and even eliminating disturbing menstruation.

Now, I'm familiar with those voodoo e-mail scams that curse those who don't cough up cash to some king in Nigeria. But I was hoping this wasn't the case. I wanted this shaman to be real and I was hoping for a decent Halloween story that would involve me entering some temple and witnessing a gerbil sacrifice. My hopes were a little high, but I didn't have anything to lose.

The following e-mails are with a gentlemen called Ndolo Man. For your sanity, they've have been edited for brevity and clarity:

Me: Hello, there, I saw your post about the voodoo service. I'm very interested. How can we set this up? I'd love to try it out. Thanks, Colin

Ndolo Man: You are welcome. We do voodoo over the e-mail. All I need to know is your problems and what you want me to do for you.

Me: Oh, okay, that's cool. I was hoping to visit the shrine and see how you voodoo first hand. Is this possible?

Ndolo Man : Yeah, it is possible I am located in Minnesota. So, are you coming or we do on e-mail?

As soon as he said he was out of state, I knew it was a scam. But for some reason I decided to keep going:

Me: Oh, I thought you were in Salt Lake City. Minnesota, huh? Well, goodday, mate! So, what do you need from me? A piece of hair? Urine sample? Semen sample? How much semen will you need from me exactly? Sorry if these questions seem stupid -- I've never voodoo'd before. By the way, how much does this cost?

Ndolo Man: I first need to know your problems.

Me: OK. Well, I want more money ... obviously. Maybe I could just get the money in a bag or something. Or I guess you could set up a promotion. That would be cool, too. No killing anyone, though. I don't want any blood on my hands. Oh, and I guess I want to be more muscular. Not toned like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy, but stupid strong, like the Hulk when he's pissed. Also, my neighbor’s dog keeps shitting on my lawn and I want that to stop. Again, no killing ... especially the dog. Thanks, man, you're a lifesaver. Are you a man? You sorta type like a dude.

This is when I got the stock e-mail that I’m sure Ndolo Man sends to everyone:

Ndolo Man: Hello, you are welcome to my Spell Temple. LOVE , MONEY, PROTECTION, GOOD JOB, PROMOTION, EX BACK, WIN LOTTERY and so many more. This Spell Temple is a great temple, which has been in existence for the past 67 years and it has been passed from generation to generations. This temple is a place of seriousness. What I want here is real people who really want their problems to be solved and not a playing ground. And in this temple there are rule that can never be violated:

(1) Do not tell anybody about the spell until you have seen result

(2) Do not work with me and the same time work with another spell caster. It is either you. Make a choice

(3) Do not come here for jokes or take spell casting for granted

This are the rule and regulation you must follow in order for a good spell casting and to get good result of 100% guaranteed. But before I start with the casting of the spell, your info will be needed:

YOUR NAME:

YOUR COUNTRY:

YOUR OCCUPATION:

YOUR LOVER'S OCCUPATION:

FORUM WHERE YOU FOUND OUR ADVERT:

YOUR MOBILE:

AGE:

YOUR PICTURE:

If I get details, I will proceed with the casting of the spell, for you have make the right choice for contacting. You can call me Voodoo Doctor. Hope to hear from you.

Me: Whoa, this sounds legit. Welp, here you are, Mr. Voodoo Doctor: My name is Colin Wolf, USA, Writer, Therapist, Craigslist, 30 yrs. I attached my picture. It's the best one I could find. It's actually a headshot from back when I was in a band. Rock on! Wait, hold up -- this isn't gonna kill anyone/dogs, will it? Because I'm not OK with that.

I then got another stock e-mail from Ndolo Man stating I needed to collect a bunch of random items including 11 cowries, 7 vulture eggs, feces of owl and one live chameleon.

Me: Shit, man, you're not gonna believe this, but I have a friend who actually has all this stuff! Where do I send the box?

His next response was in red text:

Ndolo Man: Hello young man you may not no what you are joking with. How dare you take someone else’s picture and send to me as your picture. Do you know what I can do to you? Nothing is hidden from me ... ok just wait.

Me: I'm so sorry, I admit I was a little skeptical at first but I just wanted to know you were for real. Haha, you passed the test! Now I know you have some serious shit-kickin’ power. Can we proceed with the ritual? I have all the items you requested. Let's do this.

He then sent me an e-mail with an address for some Italian restaurant in downtown St. Paul, Minn.

Ndolo Man: The total is $200. Once I get the information and the money, I proceed with your spell at once and I promise you in 6-7 hours time I will start working on your spell. I hope you do send it because you have wasted already most of my time. Waiting ...

Me: Hey, man, that's a lot of money. You shouldn't be so pushy toward someone who is willing to send $200. Especially since I'm sending it to a person I don't even know. I await your apology. Geez.

Ndolo Man: OK. Waiting …

Me: What the ... that wasn't an apology. You should say you're sorry.

Ndolo Man: Sorry for what? Haven't you wasted my time enough? Usually I take 3 hour with my clients to do a spell like this. So are you paying the money so we continue or not? You know I am mad at you for giving me fake information. This is not a playing ground.

Me:  All right, I don't think this a playing ground and I’m sorry for asking you to say sorry. I just can’t wait to be a giant green dude with a bag of money ... oh, and don’t forget about the dog poop. Do you think it's a person that's pooping on my lawn? If that's the case, maybe we should do a different spell?

Ndolo Man: Once I have the money and materials I will know. Now send picture.

Me: Here you go. It’s me in my Halloween costume last year.

Ndolo Man: You take me for a clown? Watch what I will do to you. Watch and see!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: But it is me. I love Batman!

Ndolo Man: It doesn’t matter. I have a version of you anyway. Don't write me again on less you have send the materials and the money.

Me: Unless, it's "unless" you have the money.

Ndolo Man: You played with me for too long, now watch and see what happens. You better send me the money and materials or you feel my powers.

Me: Nahnahnahnah, now you’re cursed.

Ndolo Man: You keep on laugh.You’ll see.

Oh, and I did. I keep on laugh all day. In fact, I laughed about it for most of the afternoon. But toward the end of the day, I started to have second thoughts when my co-workers kept saying stuff like, “Oh, man, you are screwed,” and “It’s only a matter of time before Ndolo Man comes for you.” After a while, all that voodoo talk started to freak me out. This guy says he has my photo and he’s probably rubbing owl shit all over it as we speak. Worst of all, what if he’s some sort of Kali Ma heart-ripping priest?

Again, I can’t stress enough that I don’t believe in mumbo jumbo, but I’m a firm believer that one should always cover all his bases. With that being said, I made an appointment with Fernando Almaza at Botanica 7 Potencias on 15th South and Main St. It’s a little Mexican bodega that sells psychic candles, incense and specializes in Mexican voodoo.

DSC_0061.JPG

When I walked in, Fernando was behind the counter, staring at the door, shuffling a deck of tarot cards. “You Colin Wolf?" he asked. “You Fernando?” I asked. He stopped shuffling and looked up from the cards. “Yeah, what’s the problem?”

“Well, long story short, I pissed off some asshole voodoo shaman over the Internet and I think he may have cursed me. Is there a type of oil I should be covering myself in?”

“Haha, no no no. First, we need to find out if you’ve been cursed.” He explained that if I paid him $5 bucks he could consult the cards and find out if anyone‘s out to kill me. I agreed and Fernando began shuffling while asking aloud, “Has Colin Wolf been cursed? Are there any bad spirits attached to this man?”

I watched as he laid out each card on the table, face up. “Well, what is it?” I asked. “Hmm, I don’t see any curse here,” he said, while scanning each card with his finger. “Oh, wait, it looks like he yelled out your name.”

DSC_0060.JPG

“Shit. What does that mean?”

“It means he is very mad at you and that he yelled your name out loud.”

“Are you sure it was Ndolo Man? Because people curse my name out loud all the time.”

“Yes, it was him. He is very angry.”

Fernando was serious, but I couldn't help but laugh a little because all I could think of was Ndolo Man yelling “Wooooooooolf” like Captain Kirk yelled "Khaaaaaaaaan!"

Fernando reassured me that I’m not cursed and most importantly, that I don’t need any sort of spirit-blockin' oil bath. However, he did advise that I go out and buy a purple candle to protect myself. Apparently, the candle keeps bad spirits away, you know, just in case Ndolo Man is lazy and hasn't gotten around to cursing me yet. I paid Fernando the $5 and thanked him for his help. “Be sure to buy the candle. That man is very angry,” said Fernando as I left. “Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll buy the candles.” I didn't buy the candles.

As of today, I still haven’t heard back from Ndolo Man, and as I write this my head is positioned 33 degrees to the left, I dropped half of a banana that I was going to eat on the floor and I accidentally squirted some lime juice in my eye at lunch. These events were probably a coincidence, but I called Fernando one last time to see if Ndolo Man had cursed me since we last spoke. "Well, from my cards it looks like he's doing something," he said over the phone, "Not much, but something."

"Is he doing enough to make my neck hurt? Or make me drop a banana?"

"Ahhh, yes, he could be. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna light some candles for you and, uhh, I can protect you."

"Thanks, Fernando. Wait, how much is that gonna cost?"

"Oh, say $30."

"F-u-u- ... $30? Damn you, Ndooolllooooo Maaaan." 

Twitter:@WolfColin

Thumbnail pic courtesy of Craigslist post 

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REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // April 8,2014 at 21:47 Oh my God, I'm so glad to tell everyone the real thing that happen to me. . . My name is EMILIANO BABARAH. If i refuse to share this testimony it means i am selfish to my self and to people i love so much whom might have similar problems, March 16th about something 7:23pm after taken our dinner my husband got crazy started calling a lady name Melisa I love you, i was so mad and started crying like a baby. . . then my husband left home for the idiot called Melisa, and never return back home then i believed when he uthen nderstand his self he will surly come back to apology, but instead he left me So i complained to my friend she told me she was having such problems in her marriage until she was introduce to DR ORIOMON who specializes in bringing back broken homes and broken marriages DR ORIOMON cast a spell for me in May 4th surprisingly my husband came home May 6th apologizing that i should forgive him that it will never happen again, i was so glad and gave the thanks to DR ORIOMON who save my marriage, if you are having similar problem you can contact him and His email address is (oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo. com) you can still save your marriage if u really love your husband. Thanks EMILIANO BABARAH_USA

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // April 8,2014 at 08:07 Be careful here nobody can help you here or even suggest how you can get your ex or love back,any testimonies of most spell caster here must be ignore. because most of them are scam i mean real scam which i was a victim and i got ripped of thousands of dollars because i was so anxious to get my wife back after she left me for over 2 years with my 7 years old son jerry,i have applied to 7 different spell caster here and all to no avail they all ask for same thing send your name your ex name address and picture phone number etc which i did over and over again and most of them were from west Africa until i saw a post about Dr. IYAMU spell and i decided to gave Him my last trail. he ask me four things my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and $180 and said my ex will come back in 24hours, i have paid over $3000 on spell casting and courier and nothing have work for me after 3 days i was thinking about how much i have lost so far so i said let me give her a try so i called her again and send my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and the $180 because i swear it was my last try so i was waiting as he told me to wait till next day and i could not sleep that night because i really love my wife and want her back at 9pm that day i saw my wife on line on face book and she said hi at first i was shock because she never talk with me for the past a year and 9 month now i did not reply again she said are you there? i quickly reply yes and she said can we see tomorrow i said yes and she went off-line i was confused i try to chat her again but she was no more on line i could not sleep that night as i was wondering what she is going to say, by 7. am the next morning she gave me a miss call i decided not to call back as i was still on shock again she call and i pick she said can we see after work today i said yes so she end the call immediately i got off work she call me and we meet and now we are back again i call Dr. IYAMU the next day thanking him for what he has done in fact i still call him and thank him as my life was not complete without my wife please be careful here i have been scam thousands of dollars if you want a true love spell then contact Dr. IYAMU. (dr_iyamutemplespell@outlook. com)

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // March 12,2014 at 05:12 First I want to say a very big thank you to prophetoya. . . . . this man is a great spell caster who brought my husband back to jus within 2 dayz. . . . . when I first met him he said he his not God buh there is noting he cannot do. . . . all he asked for was just the materials for the spell nd my husband returned home the next day. . . . . you can contact him on his gmail account prophetoyaspellcaster@gmail. com. . . . . he ll surely help you out no matter what the condition. . . . . he real. . . . . . I have tested him and now I do trust him with my life. . . . . thank u so much prophetoyaspellcaster

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // March 9,2014 at 17:01 My name is Gracious Martins, i want to share my testimony, of how Dr,Oduduwale the great spell caster helped me out to bring back my Ex Husband in 3days after i have tender my problems to him he also helped to gain promotion in the firm i work. . he is such a good spell caster that will check if his spell has work before demanding anything from you. . Dr Oduduwale is such a trustworthy man and i also recommend him to make those sad happy again. . am using this medium to once again thank Dr Oduduwale for making me happy again and i know meany are out there who want their Ex back if you have tried and fail here is Dr Oduduwale to make you smile again. Email him on oduduwale@gmail. com or Call 2348159645330.

 

REPLY TO THIS COMMENT
Posted // March 8,2014 at 12:54 I will be selfish and wicked if I don%u2019t share this wonderful life changing testimony to people that I love and to those having similar problem. My name is Alice Alfie from London, United Kingdom. 20th of February about 8:10pm after our dinner my husband mistakenly called me another familiar lady%u2019s name which resulted to much arguments and fight, I was so mad and cried like a baby. He then left home immediately to meet with her after telling me the truth and never returned home that night and the next day. I immediately went to my friend when I noticed that it%u2019s a spiritual case, she then introduced me to Dr. Dele Spiritual Temple who got some information from me and told me the reason why he never came back home. He then cast the love spell and told me that my husband will come back home within two days. Surprisingly, my husband came back home and apologized for cheating on me and thanked me for my effort to set him free from bondage. We are now happy and thankful to Dr. Dele for how he treated our case, that%u2019s why everybody has to know about him through this email: dr. delespiritualtemple@gmail. com

 

 
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