Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist -- a monthly, handpicked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos and useless hoo-haa. For a writer, Craigslist can be a useful place to unearth great story leads, but it comes with a cost. Unfortunately, not everything on Craigslist pans out as decent fodder, and the deeper you dig, the more likely you'll unearth something horrible. But, just because none of these links panned out as decent stories doesn't mean they should go to waste. So, without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of weird:
Craigslist title: Rappers Wanted (Provo, Utah)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Looking for 2 rappers who are serious on recording, preforming, and making money. If you are serious then please e-mail me some contact info and we can get started. Thanks, Krazy Pain Productions
Nothing says stacking paper like a shirt made of money -- a shirt so amazing and powerful, it conjures up storms wherever it goes. But seriously, I can't wait to hear his first mixtape.
Craigslist title: Run away Vernal; no one will know - 34 (Vernal )
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I live in xxxxxxx Vernal and I promise to hold you until the hurt is gone. It's what you are looking for -- past the places of angles that won't return, run away and be free with me. Fall in my arms and I will be yours. Love don't make time for distance, it fights the time. I am tangled up in you, don't make me chase the ghost of Christmas past in love with A MASSAGE. Please I am not spam, LET'S COLLIDE.
Indiana Jones with the pink ribbon makes a convincing argument. He hates the ghost of Christmas past and he wants to hug the shit out of some lucky chick or dude. I'm sure his e-mail is overflowing with interested parties.
Craigslist title: Free Panties! (Sandy/SCL)
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): In need of some new panties, girls? Or just love cute, sexy undies? Well, let's go get a few pairs of your favorite style!
Either this guy is a good Samaritan who refuses to let needy women roam the streets commando, or -- plot twist -- he works in marketing for Victoria Secret. Either way, free undies!
Craigslist title: English Muffin - m4m
Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Tie me to the bed and let me tea-bag your bald head. You are sorely missed.
It's easy to understand why this guy misses his buddy -- who doesn't love a delicious breakfast in bed? I don't know about you, but I would love a hot cup of tea and a savory English muffin, I think.
Photos via freedigitalphotos.net and Craigslist.org