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The Secret Handshake

Best of SLC's Craigslist Vol.11 (Man, you guys love teabagging)

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2013-06-17 -

Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist -- a monthly, handpicked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos and useless hoo-haa. For a writer, Craigslist can be a useful place to unearth great story leads, but it comes with a cost. Unfortunately, not everything on Craigslist pans out as decent fodder, and the deeper you dig, the more likely you'll unearth something horrible. But, just because none of these links panned out as decent stories doesn't mean they should go to waste. So, without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of weird:

Lightning bolts and shirts made of money could be yours

Craigslist title: Rappers Wanted (Provo, Utah)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Looking for 2 rappers who are serious on recording, preforming, and making money. If you are serious then please e-mail me some contact info and we can get started. Thanks, Krazy Pain Productions


Nothing says stacking paper like a shirt made of money -- a shirt so amazing and powerful, it conjures up storms wherever it goes. But seriously, I can't wait to hear his first mixtape.

Local man wants to hug and squeeze your pain away

Craigslist title: Run away Vernal; no one will know - 34 (Vernal )

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I live in xxxxxxx Vernal and I promise to hold you until the hurt is gone. It's what you are looking for -- past the places of angles that won't return, run away and be free with me. Fall in my arms and I will be yours. Love don't make time for distance, it fights the time. I am tangled up in you, don't make me chase the ghost of Christmas past in love with A MASSAGE. Please I am not spam, LET'S COLLIDE.


Indiana Jones with the pink ribbon makes a convincing argument. He hates the ghost of Christmas past and he wants to hug the shit out of some lucky chick or dude. I'm sure his e-mail is overflowing with interested parties.

Free underwear if you hangout with me, I'm so lonely

Craigslist title: Free Panties! (Sandy/SCL)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): In need of some new panties, girls? Or just love cute, sexy undies? Well, let's go get a few pairs of your favorite style!


Either this guy is a good Samaritan who refuses to let needy women roam the streets commando, or -- plot twist -- he works in marketing for Victoria Secret. Either way, free undies!

Post courtesy of Steven R. Jerman

This guy loves breakfast

Craigslist title: English Muffin - m4m

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Tie me to the bed and let me tea-bag your bald head. You are sorely missed.


It's easy to understand why this guy misses his buddy -- who doesn't love a delicious breakfast in bed? I don't know about you, but I would love a hot cup of tea and a savory English muffin, I think.


Photos via and

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Posted // July 17,2013 at 09:37

Im krazy pain and anyone who wants to hear my tracks can email me and ask me. and thanks for the comment about my money jacket. LOL