As I puffed on my handcrafted pipe, with one foot rested on a mahogany stump, my eyes gazed into the flames of a roaring winter fire and I reminisced on one of the strangest years in recent memory. All right, screw it, I don't own a pipe, let alone a backyard fire pit, but there's no denying that 2012 was a relentless whore of fun crap to write about. That being said, in case you missed anything, I've decided to compile some of The Secret Handshake's more memorable moments of 2012. Note: This has less to do with nostalgia than it does with laziness. Either way, here we go:
I watched a little person work-over a guy's groin with a bat. Then, later, motorboat a nearby lady.
Answers To All Your Midget-Wrestling-Related Questions: You can bet your ass it’s real. Well, as real as wrestling can be. In the first match of the night between Madd Mexx and Lil Rampage, Lil Rampage jammed his fingers in Mad Mex’s peepers, cornered him on the ropes and then tenderized his plums with a baseball bat. Read>>
The Secret Handshake accomplished a literary milestone by getting a pizza named in its honor ... that has mini-cheeseburgers embedded inside.
Introducing The Secret Handshake Burgizza: Yes, It's Real. I made a solemn vow that one day, somehow, a pizza of this caliber would pay a visit to my mouth. But since I'm not going to Dubai anytime soon and I can barely make cereal, I knew I couldn’t do it alone. In order to make this dream a reality, I made a phone call to my buddy Kyle Kafentzis, owner of Boardwalk Pizza & Pasta ... Read>>
Went to the International Tattoo Convention, got blasted on Bud Light Platinum and therefore almost got a Bud Light Platinum tattoo.
Sure, Make It A Bud Light Platinum ... Tattoo. So there I was, roaming the halls of the International Tattoo Convention, half-cocked on Bud Light Platinum and looking to get inked. In retrospect, this was a horrible decision. But like a buzzed John Nash, I was able to see past all the fancy display tables and half-naked dudes and find the hidden awesome that was there all along. Read>>
Some asshole stole my electric razor that I once trimmed my jungle with, which resulted in me getting a grown-up shave at Ray's.
So, You've Decided To Steal Another Man's Razor. “Question: Do people still request the Clooney?” I asked. “No, not really. But I get a lot of requests for the Deron Williams fade.” “What?! Really?” “What about Gordon Hayward? Does anyone come in for a Hayward shag?” John shook his head, “Nah, I specialize in fades, for the most part. I really don’t like doing those Justin Bieber cuts.” Read>>
Got in a fight with an Internet voodoo shaman and woke up the next day with severe taco neck. But, I fought back with a spiritual cock-block from a local shaman named Fernando.
That Time I Was Cursed By An Internet Shaman. Any person with a hint of common sense would say it’s from sleeping on it wrong. But, I’ll have you know, I have a memory-foam mattress, meaning I sleep like a stoic statue surrounded by contoured foam. In all honesty, I have this haunting feeling it’s because I trolled an Internet con man and he turned out to be a goddamned voodoo shaman. Read>>
Stumbled across a hidden stash of untouched '90s gear at a local bodega. Montell Jordan would have been proud.
Bodega Days: SLC's Forgotten Mall. Perhaps it was divine intervention, but while shopping for big-boy clothes in the Valley Fair Mall Macy’s, I wandered through the mall's scantly populated hallways and came across the holy grail of '90s streetwear. What first caught my eye was a rack of fleece Tupac blankets draped in the doorway. Read>>
Discovered a group of beard enthusiasts dressed in drag and received some pretty good facial-hair tips.
Facial Hair Advice From Bearded Ladies. OK, I’ll admit that the title of this story is a bit misleading, but there are some women in this group.When I met up with the Alliance last Thursday in Liberty Park, they were dressed as female hobbits for a good cause: breast cancer. Draped in their wive’s finest, these men of men were participating in a photo shoot for the annual Beards For Breasts Calendar competition. Read>>
Met some guys who own a zombie-apocalypse training business and got schooled in zombie knowledge.
The Zombie Apocalypse Is Coming And Most Of Us Are Screwed. If you find yourself in a haunted house surrounded by zombie experts, it’s important to ask the tough questions. “So, if zombies are always eating people, wouldn’t the worst thing about a zombie apocalypse be the piles of zombie shit everywhere?” It’s menacing questions like this that keep me awake at night. Read>>
Was properly educated on how to drive a whip like a rapper, thanks to a local business that rents cars to Dr. Dre and Waka Flocka.
Need A Sweet Car For Your Next Rap Video? I Know A Guy. One of my favorite things about hip-hop culture is “braggadocio” or boast rapping. Basically, it’s where an emcee goes on and on about how they’re the greatest rapper to ever grip a microphone. Besides lyrical prowess, braggadocio usually includes how much material wealth a rapper may have. You know, gold chains, shoes and, of course, cars. Read>>
Was not surprised to uncover a posse of dudes enjoying wrestling in a storage unit in Midvale.
Storage Wars: SLC's Underground Wrestlers. When I pulled up, I wasn’t sure if I were in the right place. For some reason, the address led me to a storage-unit facility in Midvale. But, when I drove past an open unit with a bunch of guys in spandex mingling around outside, I knew I was on target. Read>>
Went to the Utah State Fair and spotted a woman who was confused by corn.
16 Pics Proving The Utah State Fair Was Epic. The Utah State Fair had its last hurrah Sept. 16 and if you missed it, well, you skipped what was quite possibly the most classic people-watching event of the summer. So, in an effort to showcase all the reasons you should’ve dragged your ass out there (without artsy photos of time-lapsed carousels), I've compiled six days of the best fair-footy possible. Read>>
Went to open tryouts for the Utah Blaze and got cut. To make matters worse, the owner of the team said I have pasty chicken legs.
The Utah Blaze Had Open Tryouts -- I Didn't Make The Cut. When I received an e-mail from the Utah Blaze announcing open tryouts, I immediately thought of the movie Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg. In a nutshell, it's about a schlub bartender who tries out for the Philadelphia Eagles and, despite remarkable odds, somehow makes the team. Since people have always told me I’ll never amount to Mark Wahlberg, I knew this was my one chance to prove them wrong and achieve a lifelong dream of mine. Or, at least a dream I’ve had since I read the e-mail announcing the tryouts. Read>>
Wrote a little story about a local butcher badass and fell in love with meat all over again. Later on, I got tsunami'd by PETA in the comments section.
It Was Like I Tasted Meat For The First Time. Whenever someone offers me a fancy meat I can’t pronounce, I won’t question it, I’ll just eat it. Unfortunately, this life choice has resulted in me appreciating good meats but never really knowing a damned thing about ‘em. So, to remedy my ignorance, I decided to visit one of Salt Lake City’s OG butchers, Frody Volgger of Tony Caputo’s Market and Deli. Read>>