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The Secret Handshake

Best of SLC's Craigslist Vol.10 (It's Mostly About Ball-Kicking)

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2013-05-13 -

Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist -- a monthly, handpicked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos and useless hoo-haa. For a writer, Craigslist can be a useful place to unearth great story leads, but it comes with a cost. Unfortunately, not everything on Craigslist pans out as decent fodder, and the deeper you dig, the more likely you'll unearth something horrible. But, just because none of these links panned out as decent stories doesn't mean they should go to waste. So, without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of weird:

I Could Really Use a Kick In The Balls

Craigslist title: Will any Girl In Utah Kick Me In The Balls? (Salt Lake City)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I am good-looking; I have pics. This is my biggest fantasy! I'll do anything, even pay. Will any girl or girls please kick me in the balls?

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A lifelong study by me (and every man in existence, for that matter) has shown that getting kicked in the balls hurts ... terribly. This guy doesn't seem to care. But I'm not sure what's more off-putting about this post -- the fact he likes to be kicked in the balls or that he can't find someone to do this for him. I know at least a dozen people who would gladly kick me in the nortons. Thankfully, this person below knows what I'm talkin' about:


Getting Your Balls Kicked Is Way Easier Than You Think

Craigslist title: Girls to kick u in the balls

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Hmmm, from what I recall of my time in Utah (I've, happily, been out of the state for five years now), any girl you find there will happily kick you in the balls. For free. And often.You should have no problem.

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Sometimes, the truth is right in front of you. The state of Utah is filled with qualified plumb-smashers. But just because you can, it doesn't mean you should...


No! Don't Kick Him In The Balls

Craigslist title: It's illegal, you fool (kick me in the balls and go to jail)!

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Don't you realize that having a woman kick you in the balls, as you put it, is considered sexual battery in this state and is illegal in almost every way? If you want to get your rocks kicked in, go somewhere that allows it legally -- like Thailand! Don't fall for it, girls; it's most likely a legal trap.

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Sometimes, the Internet takes care of itself, like credit card bills or climate change. Thankfully, this random lawyer who just so happens to specialize in groin assault was on Craigslist to offer some much-needed legal advice.


I'll Pay You To Be Chewy!

Craigslist title: Chewbacca Impression (South Jordan, UT)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Looking for the best Chewbacca impression for a special project I'm doing. This is a serious ad; serious callers only! Please call either Trent or me, leave a message with your impression and contact information. Serious calls only! $100 for best impression! Thanks, and may the force be with you!

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This is great news. I've been waiting my entire life to get paid to do Star Wars impressions. The only problem is, which Chewy do they want? Sad Chewy? Happy Chewy? Angry Chewy? There are just too many classic Chewy's.


Chill Bro Wants To Live In Your Yard

Craigslist title: Wanting to rent small area of land for tipi-living (Anywhere in the countryside)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Hi, there. I'm hoping to find someone who would be willing to allow me to set up a tipi on their land to live in full-time. Obviously, this is not a typical living arrangement, but I would be willing to pay rent just as if I was renting a room. While I would prefer a location in the countryside, I am very flexible as far as logistics go (i.e., I would be fine without access to electricity, water, etc., but I would also be okay with pitching the tipi close to a house where I could access those commodities). P.S. Here's a little about me: I'm not trying to find a place to bum around. I'm 22, just graduated college, and will be working a full-time job. Thanks! tipi, tepee, teepee

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Imagine -- you wake up in the morning, pour yourself a nice cup of coffee, open the front door to grab the paper and there, in all his glory, is a half-naked hippie restitching his Chacos in your yard. It's an offer you can't refuse.

Twitter:@WolfColin

Photos via Craigslist, Fox Entertainment, Someecards.com, AMC

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