Throughout recorded history, there have been many ninjas to come out of Salt Lake City. But, sadly, the Utah man who holds the title for first Mormon ninja to be blasted from a catapult, over the ocean, into a cargo net, dangling from a helicopter has retired from the ninja life.
In a recent interview with The Secret Handshake, area ninja and Mormon enthusiast Jake Hilton stated he will no longer pursue his dream of being on the G4 show Ninja Warrior, and is now focusing on an even more extreme sport, writing LDS children’s books.
Hilton has set aside his bow staff for form-fitting vests.
It seems like only yesterday Hilton (known to his YouTube followers as NixSeraph) was Salt Lake City’s go-to ninja. If there were a need for a shirtless man to shimmy across a soccer goal, climb a chainlink fence, or Jean Claude Van Dam to the top of a tree, Hilton was the man for the job:
Because the 29-year-old Dixie College dropout excelled at big-ass stunts, he decided to audition for the Japanese show called Sasuke, more commonly known in the United States as G4’s Ninja Warrior. The following is one of his many audition tapes:
"I'm married, with no kids ... yet."
After two unsuccessful shots at the show, Hilton’s roundhousing days appeared to be numbered. But, only a couple of months after blowing it at the 2012 Ninja Warrior tryouts, Hilton was approached by MTV to guest-star on a episode of a new reality show entitled Numbnuts:
Not surprisingly, the show was a perfect fit for Hilton.
In this particular episode, the goal was simple: Contestants had to launch out to a cargo net (hung from a helicopter), climb up to the skids, maneuver around to the other skid, unlock a buoy and then drop 40 feet to the water. Whoever splashed down first won.
“It was between me and this guy named Victor. He went first and he did it in 26 seconds. That was rocking fast. Everyone was, like, ‘There’s no way you’re gonna beat 26 seconds,’ and I was, like, ‘I don’t knooow,”’ said Hilton as he rubbed his knuckles on his tiny vest. “I actually ended up doing it ... in 23 seconds. Yeah, so I won. I won … I won.” If you’re wondering if he won, he did:
He polished off the stunt with the patented Hilton fist pump.
Hilton breezed through the stunt and walked away with the grand prize of $3,000 cash. But, unfortunately, for his YouTube followers (and the entire Internet), Hilton has since given up the ninja lifestyle and has invested his prize money toward releasing a children’s book, The Angel’s Lost and Found.
So far, the book is yet to be published. “I'm a novelist at heart and so it's difficult for me to write at a kid’s level,” explained Hilton. While the book will surely be a massive success, it's safe to say that SLC's best and most extreme ninja will surely be missed. Here's to his inevitable return:“There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.” --Hunter S. Thompson