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The Secret Handshake

Strictly Platonic: The Best Of SLC's Craigslist Vol.7

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2013-01-28 -

Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist -- a monthly, hand-picked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest weirdos and useless hoo-haa. For a writer, I'll admit that SLC's Craigslist is a great place to find original content, but it comes with a cost. Like those greedy mountain dwarves in The Hobbit, the deeper you dig into Mt. Craigslist, the more likely you'll unearth a penis. I know, it can be a brutal job harvesting these links, but you guys are worth it. So, without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of hoo-haa: 

Hey Man, You Holdin’?

Craigslist title: Looking 4 Battlestar G Season 3 (SLC)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I know this is the wrong place, but I’m looking to borrow or buy the DVD of Battlestar Galactica seasons 3 through 5. Help a fellow nerd out and e-mail me if you have it or know where to get it used, or if you want to make a new friend and let me borrow it for a day or two.

BSG2.jpg
Screen grab via: YouTube 

You see?! This is what happens when you watch Battlestar Gallactica. Eventually, you run out of episodes, and when this happens you become an unstoppable Cyclon, scouring the galaxy for one more episode. Why else would someone turn to Craigslist for advice on how to rent a DVD? It makes no sense. If you're a fan of Portlandia, you’ve seen this before. I’m sure it won’t be long before this poor soul tries to beg someone to write another episode.


Anyone Down To Kick My Ass?

Craigslist title: Any women into giving face slaps? -m4w- 36 (Ogden)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Any ladies into giving face slaps, pulling hair, driving a man to tears and being mean? I want to take a beating from a lady. I won’t touch you, I am safe and harmless. Ideally looking for a female friend who would abuse me on a regular basis without being romantically involved. I’m good at cleaning and cooking.

a111.jpg
Photo via Craigslist.org 

There are a lot of easy ways to get your ass kicked without resorting to Craigslist. Fact, the real world is your personal ass-kicking apparatus, so there’s no need to beg people on Craigslist. It’s easy: Learn to play the bagpipes, relentlessly invite people to play Farmville, constantly interrupt others to talk about how great Ben Affleck is in Argo or just volunteer for a Kathy Long self-defense video -- whatever; just be creative. Life naturally wants to kick your ass.


Yeah, Science!

Craigslist title: Looking for someone to do science and shit with? -m4mw 19 (Salt Lake City)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I just moved to Salt Lake for a job a couple of months ago and I’m looking for people to hang out and do science with. I don’t care what sort of science it is, but it’d be cool as hell if we could mix a bunch of chemicals in a bottle and see if the pressure builds up enough to pop the top off. We don’t have to, though; we could always look at rocks, or study the periodic table -- I don’t care. Or we could always trip balls and watch Dr. Who.

breakingbad_f_yeah_science.jpg
Photo via Memegenerator.com  

This kid seems all right to me. It’s perfectly normal to have a thirst for science. After all, science has cleared up all sorts of issues that are important to the average 19 year old; the bros-before-hos theory, the biological classification of scrubs, the discovery of the Taco Bell 4th meal, the Axe effect and the ever-important “liquor before beer, you’re in the clear” algorithm.


Trash People

Craigslist title: Trashy Neighbors (SLC)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): So, I live in a decent neighborhood near Liberty Park. Unfortunately, there is a rental unit next door that is a duplex, with two one-bedroom units. Recently, four college students moved into one of the units and there are 8+ people living there at any given time. A couple of months, ago they started a trash pile right on the grass between the sidewalk and the street. It has built up into broken furniture, mattresses, bags of dog shit, and just about anything else they feel like throwing out there. Every time I go outside, I have to see and smell the mess.

trashy_neighbors1.jpg
Screen grab via YouTube

Based on the raw materials you’ve just described, it sounds like these college kids are building a fort of some kind. Or they’re just extremely lazy and would rather live in a dump than a world run by snooty garbage men. Either way, you can try to take on the rats yourself or you can carry a reserve of distraction-meat on you at all times. Don’t bother calling city hall, they’ll tell you the same thing.


Cheap Breast Milk

Craigslist title: Breast Milk- $1 (Pleasant Grove)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): I just had a baby 2 months ago and already have a deep freezer full of milk and I’m still nursing and still producing. I am producing between 3 and 4 times as much milk as my daughter eats in one feeding, so I’m looking to try to and get rid of some of this milk I have stored. The milk is stored in a deep freezer so it should last up to a year. I am drug-, alcohol- and cigarette-free, also disease-free. I also continue to take my prenatal vitamins. If interested, I am asking $.50 an ounce. If interested, call Brittany.

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Photo via Freedigitalphotos.net

When it comes to sales, there are certain things you can get excited about. But breast milk isn't one of them. One of my co-workers claims this kind of thing is perfectly normal. But I’m sorry, no one who loves their kid is going to buy breast milk from a random Craigslist post. Plus, you know damned well that the person who ends up buying all this milk won’t have a kid

Twitter: WolfColin

Since you made it this far down the page, you deserve this.  

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Posted // January 28,2013 at 11:37

Good one Colin!

 

 
 
 
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