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The Secret Handshake

Strictly Platonic: The Best Of SLC's Craigslist Vol.6

by Colin Wolf
- Posted // 2012-12-17 -

Welcome to The Secret Handshake’s best of SLC’s Craigslist-- a monthly, hand-picked selection of Salt Lake City’s finest CL posts. Oftentimes, I find myself mining the depths of the Internet for story leads, and while doing so, I stumble across these little gems. Unfortunately, not everything on Craigslist can be Secret Handshake fodder, but that doesn't mean these eye-watering posts should go to waste. So without further ado, here’s this month’s bag of weird:

Francis J. Figglebottom wants to make you giggle at Brewvies

Criagslist title: Francis J. Figglebottom - m4w - 356 (kokomo)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): You ever wanted that random person to talk to? Just to share a giggle or two with? Well, that’s what I'm here looking for! I just think it would be fun to talk to someone about anything; best part is we don't have to meet, exchange pictures, tell each other anything about ourselves! I mean, I’m always looking for a cute girl to go to Walking Dead nights at Brewvies with. So if you're interested, message away! :D

figglebottom.jpg

Francis J. Figglebottom sits alone in a dark, empty Brewvies theater. He wipes a single tear from his face and ponders the true meaning of love, friendship and why he isn’t making more women giggle. He then picks up his iPhone and begins to update his Facebook status: “Like, if you wanna get Figglebottomed!” No one liked his comment.


House Cat wants to babysit your kids

Craigslist title: I will babysit your child (Syracuse)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Hello, everybody. This is for you: Are you a working mom, or a mom that just wants to get out for a day? Maybe go on a date? I have a clean house, a loving home, and lots of experience (I am a mom also); meals and snacks are provided. I will watch your infant, preschooler or older child with the utmost of care. I charge $5 an hour, for one child. Please call today.

babysitting_cat.jpg

By attaching a cat meme to this Craigslist ad, the author is suggesting that he or she is a cat … a cat that can bake cookies. More importantly, an irresponsible cat with crappy grammar and no self-control. Still, $5 an hour is pretty cheap for a babysitting cat -- go ahead, shop around; you can’t beat that price.


Please buy this golf cart … (palm to forehead) Oh, why the hell did I build this thing?

Craigslist title: Custome Golf Cart (Wendover) Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): This golf cart is fully customized with awesome flaming paint job, off-road lights, very expensive sound system with brand-new deck, polished wheels, aggressive tires, trailer hitch and a custom steering wheel. I just had the engine rebuilt on it that cost me almost two thousand dollars. Also has two custom horns installed. This is definitely a head turner! I get compliments from everyone who sees it! I’m taking a loss on this so, please, no low-ballers. I am pretty firm on the price.

custom_golf_cart.jpg

Jerry had dreams of riding his flaming golf cart into the sunset. Perhaps he’d catch some air off a sand dune and, while his silhouette crossed the setting sun, he’d turn around and flip two birds to the pursuing red-and-blue lights. Of course, the wind would be rushing through his long, blonde hair while Boston’s “Smokin” plays loudly in the background. Sadly, someone tried to low-ball Jerry on his golf cart and he lost his temper. He now sits in jail while his wife sells his most priced possession. 


Anyone want to watch me stretch in the buff?

Craigslist title: Nude Yoga in SLC?

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): Open-minded mature male interested in exploring yoga. Never practiced yoga before. I enjoy being bare. Who do I call? Will consider private lessons to get started then join a group.

Nude_man.jpg

What this means: I’m all for being naked. It’s our natural state and it feels good on a breezy day. But as Jerry Seinfeld once pointed out, there’s good naked and there’s bad naked. In terms of yoga, no one wants to see a naked dude do the downward dog. Of course, this is my personal preference, but as Elaine also once stated, "The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep."


I did a pelvic thrust when I should have gotten your number.

Craigslist title: Front Runner - m4w - 26 (Salt Lake City)

Text from post (edited for brevity and clarity): We were both racing to catch the train. I made it on the train and you didn't. When I was on the train, I turned around and bit my bottom lip and did a hip thrust. You were gorgeous. I should have jumped off ...

depressed_man.jpg

Sadly, I pelvic thrusted through the entire day but it just wasn’t the same. I even stared out my office window, looking out onto the cold, winter streets of Salt Lake City, hoping I would spot you somewhere in the crowd. As I thrusted my hips against the glass pane, I sipped on a hot cup of cocoa and wished I were somehow sharing it with you.

Twitter:@WolfColin

Photos 1, 4, 5 via freedigitalphotos.net Photos 2, 3 via Craigslist  

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